


If only

by TheNightSign



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Comfort in the end, Drama, F/M, Hurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-01
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2017-12-22 03:19:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/908277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNightSign/pseuds/TheNightSign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Rated M for mentions of death/ suicide and lethal accidents).<br/>Four months after a life changing accident, we find a billionaire, his former bodyguard and nations favorite IT girl all back in one place, to find the answer to one question; what happened that fateful day?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All has changed

**Author's Note:**

> Tittle: If Only  
> Author: TheNightSign  
> Category: Angst (hopefully comfort in the end)  
> Rating: M (this story contains mentions of death/ suicide and lethal accidents)  
> Discleamer: Nothing is mine except the twisted idea
> 
> A/N: Thanks to my lovely, wonderful, amazing, talented beta befitandchase (tumblr). Thanks for your support and your wonderful view on this story! What would I do without you?!
> 
> A/N: For this story we are going to assume that Oliver and Felicity are a couple and have been for many years. Keep that in mind while you read. Enjoy! Reviews are my fuel and will make sure that I write chapter two quicker! ;) Constructive criticism aloud and even requested.

''Is that him?’’

She could act like it didn’t matter, hide behind her glasses, but she knew that the tension in her voice betrayed her. She wasn’t as cool or collected as she pretended to be. How could she be, after all that had happened?  
It was four months after the accident. Four months since her life fell apart and everything changed for the worst. It was weeks of torment, filled with emotions she wished she never had to endure. The worst part of it had been the not knowing. Waiting for somebody who could tell her what had happened, only to find out that that somebody was in critical condition himself.

When the phone call had come yesterday, she had packed her bags and taken the first flight to Starling City. She was finally allowed to visit the only one who could give her some answers. 

Now here she was, looking through a glass window into the padded room. What her blue eyes saw wasn’t a pretty site. A large man was lying on the floor, his body captured in a white straitjacket. He lay on his side, his face towards the wall opposite of the window. It probably wasn’t a window on his side of the room, now that she thought about it, but a mirror. A one-way mirror, she believed they were called. They used them all the time in the interrogation rooms in police station. She should know, because the last four months, she had seen more than her fair share of those rooms.

‘’That’s him alright.’’  
She was startled by the words from one of the guards, already forgotten that she had asked. But she knew why she had. There was no way to see if the person in the room was the man she was looking for. He had broad shoulders, and it looked like he was quite large, but there was just no way of knowing for sure. The guard maybe confirmed that the name was correct and belonged to this person, but still… 

‘’I need to see his face. Look into his eyes.’’  
The two guards that were with her in the observation room nodded to each other. One of them stepped towards the door, she assumed, to tell the man that he needed to turn around. What she didn’t expect was that he would enter the room with two new guards, one of them holding something that looked an awful lot like a Taser. She stepped forward to look closer, only then noticing the chains that ran through loops in the jacket, coming together in the middle of his back and that where connected to another chain that was attached to his ankle cuffs. A big padlock kept the chains together, making it impossible for the prisoner to move. She wondered how it would be, lying there in that room, not being able to move. Alone with your thoughts for all eternity.

‘‘It’s for his own good, you know.’’ The guard that was still with her in the room spoke softly. ‘‘If we don’t use the extra restraints, he will try and kill whoever is in his way. Only so he can end his own life.’’  
The two guards approached the man carefully, while the one with the Taser stood at a safe distance, the weapon already aimed at his back. With combined force they grabbed the man and rolled him over. Her hand clamped against her mouth as she gasped for air. A flash of recognition ran through her mind, taking over her whole body. Forced by the strength of the memory, she braced herself against the window.

‘’Oliver?’’  
  


_‘‘Oliver.’’ She softly breathed the name while she looked into his eyes, her index finger travelling from his cheek to his jaw. His stubble scraped over her skin in a very pleasant kind of way. Her other hand lay on his chest, close enough to his heart so she could feel it beating. It made her feel safe and loved, knowing that he was right beside her. It wasn’t his words that made her realize that he loved her, but his actions. The fact that he was willing to care for her, no matter what happened._

_His hand shifted from her hip to her back, pulling her across the bed and into his chest. She smiled softly at him, bringing herself even closer, while her finger continued its path until it brushed over his lips. She could see his pupils dilating, could feel the intensity of his gaze._

_‘‘Felicity.’’ It was nothing more but a whisper, but it made her shiver with anticipation._  
  


Nothing in the world could have prepared her to what she saw. After the guards stepped away from his still body and left the room, she let her eyes ghost over his face. Unfocused eyes stared into nothingness, his facial features were contorted in pain. Then there were the bruises and cuts: a thick red line around his neck, stitches along his eyebrow. Some of the wounds were old, others just starting to heal, but they were mostly confined to his skin. She could imagine that the rest of his body, the parts that were covered up with clothes and his straitjacket, would look similar. But how did he get those wounds?

Some of the more faded ones looked similar to hers. That meant that they were caused by the accident. So was he with her, that fatal day? Did he try to save her? Only more questions were being raised and none of them were being answered. A sigh of weariness escaped her. She needed to know what happened.

It took her a while to remember the words of the guard. ‘’It’s for his own good’’. Was she wrong and were the wounds not caused by the accident, but self-inflicted? She promised herself that she would find out. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. Seeing a human in such a state made her feel uneasy and insecure, but she had to follow this through. She turned away from the window, but not before she made sure that her façade was in place.

‘’I want to talk to the doctor in charge of his care.’’ 

‘’There is no doctor, Miss Smoak. After Mr. Queen assaulted the third one that was assigned to him, the board of directors decided that he will be spending the rest of his time in this cell, with constricted socializing. Two guards are assigned to his daily care, and the head of our team makes the decision regarding his treatment.’’

She bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes for a moment to regain her composure. If she would show how messed up she felt on the inside, she would sure as hell end up in one of the rooms in here. She was damaged on the inside, as well as the outside, but that was something that they didn’t need to know.

When she opened her eyes again, she looked at the man in front of her. He looked back and she could feel how he took everything in. She smothered the feeling that urged her to speak, and gave him the time to see just how bruised her body was. It didn’t take him long to look away, but she had already seen the pity in his eyes. And for now that was okay.

When people felt sorry for her, they usually tried to do something to make it up to her. Like they thought, ‘’Well, your life has been shit, but maybe if I do this on thing for you, it will all get better.’’ It helped people with their guilt, but things wouldn’t actually get better for her. She had learned that lesson fast enough. No matter what other people tried to do, her scars would never disappear and the things that she had lost, she would never get back.

‘’I could try and arrange an appointment with him. The head of the guards I mean.” And there it was. His one random act of kindness so that he could keep his conscience clear. 

‘’Good. Let’s go talk to that guard then.’’

She turned back to the window, looking in those lost blue eyes that didn’t even blink. It made her feel uncomfortable and just for a second, she wondered if he knew that she was watching. If he knew that she was there, feeling just as lost as he looked.

‘’Miss, there may be, -‘’  
Interrupted in her thoughts, she turned sharply to the guard. His tone, while still soft and careful, told her just the way the conversation was going to go, and she wouldn’t hear another word. She wasn’t interested in stories about why the appointment had to wait. He couldn’t back out now. Not when she was finally getting a small step closer to her goal.

She straightened her back and lifted her chin up. She found the strength within herself to keep her voice steady and strong.  

‘‘I want that appointment. Right now. Right here. I’m not leaving until I’ve spoken to this guard of yours.’’

‘’His name is Captain Wade Bellick. ’’

‘’Right. Captain Bellick. Go get him for me, will you? Tell him his patient needs attention. Tell him there are journalists in this room, who would love to write about the care Oliver Queen is getting. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about how you get him here. Just make sure that he does.’’  
The guard nodded, impressed, and left, thereby leaving her alone in the room. She sighed and let the iron grip on her emotions slip. Tears weld up in her eyes, reflected by the window into which she was staring. She didn’t let them fall, knowing that the tear stains would stay on her cheeks for a while and that her eyes would be all red and swollen. She needed to be vulnerable but strong, so that she could exploit every bit of advantage that she had on them. Normally that would’ve made her feel bad about herself, but not today. Today was the day that after four months of hospitals, therapists, police stations and questioning, she was going to get her answers. 

\-----

It didn’t matter how many times he had been here already, walking into this place still felt strange. It had nothing to do with the amount of lunatics that were occupying the building, nor with the guards that tried to keep those lunatics in line. It was just one of those crazy people that made him feel so out of balance. A man that used to be his friend.

He knew exactly why he had taken the job as a mental institution guard. Oliver Queen. Four months ago he had been in Starling City General, held in a coma so that his body could heal. From the very first moment that the billionaire had woken up, he had put up a fight against his care takers. And none of those had enough practice in restraining a man as highly trained as Oliver.

He was there, the first time it had happened and he had intervened without even thinking about it. It didn’t take long before there was some kind of understanding between him and the nursing staff. In order to keep everybody calm and Oliver healthy, his former bodyguard would step up and fight against his friend. His intensions were always to restrain him, to try and calm him down. But everything had felt different from the moment he had put his hands on his body. There was desperation to every movement.

After that first month in a coma, Oliver was kept under surveillance in the hospital for another two weeks. Those two weeks had been a constant nightmare. Oliver would wake up, kicking and screaming, calling for help. Crying out to her. Then, as soon as he felt the cuffs around his wrists and ankles, he stopped speaking at all, but he fought harder, trying to do whatever he could to escape.

He had learned long ago to stay away from Oliver when he was in such a state, knowing that he would cause damage to whatever it was that came near him. However, the times that he did manage to escape, he needed to stop his former protégée for everybody’s safety. At those moments, some brutal fight would ensue until Oliver gave up or the nurse would put a sedative in his IV. Because the truth was, Diggle never really won against Oliver.

The worst part of such an episode would present itself after the fighting, when the panic was over. Oliver would stare at one point in the room, not seeing, nor hearing anything. Hell, he probably even tried not to feel anything.  
The fighting wasn’t good for his health. He still needed to recover from whatever happened that fatal day, and every time he woke-up from a nightmare, he would do more damage to himself. That was why, when some fancy people decided to bring him here for his safety, John Diggle decided to take up a new job. Because after a month and a half of looking at his friend, seeing his pain and his struggle, he realized that he couldn’t leave him behind. He needed to help Oliver, even if he was beyond helping.  

But honestly, he wasn’t sure if he could keep helping Oliver. If he really did what police accused him of, then he wouldn’t even want to help him. But the law had been wrong before and he hoped with every bone in his body that this was one of those times. Until somebody had hard evidence of the fact that Oliver caused the accident, he would be here. Besides, if he believed that Oliver caused the accident, then he would also believe that...- He clenched his fists in a reflex. No, Oliver had nothing to do with the death of his wife. It couldn’t be. The fact that she was dead was already hard enough to accept without adding a conspiracy plot to it.

Oliver didn’t kill her. He just didn’t.

He kept repeating that when he lay awake in bed, wondering what had happened that day. Oliver was the only one that had survived, and he hadn’t spoken since he had woken up from the coma. Unless you counted the times when he screamed her name in agony, cried it out loud or whispered it lovingly into the silence.

Getting the job hadn’t been as hard as he had expected. The staff at the hospital recommended that Oliver needed a face that he could recognize, somebody that could visit him and remind him that he wasn’t alone. He then had taken the chance to point out that Oliver knew him and that he could be helpful in the healing progress. The staff had been enthusiastic, until he made it clear that he wouldn’t be visiting. He wanted to help protect him. Wanted a job.

When they started to grumble, he had simply remarked that he was valuable. Without him, they would have had even more problems with Oliver, wouldn’t they?

And the rest was history. Oliver Queen got transferred and his former bodyguard got a new job.

There were three shifts that a guard could get in here. You had the first, which covered 6 AM until 2 PM, the seconded one that covered 2 PM until 10 PM and the last one, that was from 10 PM till 6 AM. He had gotten the second shift today, but as always, he had made sure that he was early. He used his time so that he could take a look at Oliver before he got to work. He knew that he would see him while he was busy doing his job, but for his own sanity, he visited Oliver every day before and after his shift. His friend had been there for him and he would return the favor, even if Oliver didn’t realize it.  
While he walked through the hallway, he looked at the sheet that he had picked up by the administration. The sheets were there to inform the guard what had happened since they had their last shift and if there would be special chores that needed to be done that day. There wasn’t anything surprising though. Some new medicines for a madman in cell six, a day of isolation for the woman in number twelve and… a visit for cell twenty-one.

He stood completely frozen, finger tracing the lines that separated the columns to make sure that he had read it correctly. A visitor for Oliver? Oliver didn’t get visits. His mother was still in jail, Thea had chosen to believe the police, which meant that she blamed him for the accident and Laurel hadn’t been seen in Starling City for months. Besides himself, nobody cared for Oliver anymore.

It was probably one of those damn reporters, trying to get a scoop on Oliver’s health. Well, then they were in for a surprise. He was not going to let them walk away so easily.

He had already been on his way to cell twenty-one, but fueled by his hate against the reporters he started to walk faster. From the very first day that Oliver had been in the hospital they had been looking for information: Creating gossip, feeding lies to the people and taking pictures for new headlines. He had been able to break a few cameras and intimidate some writers, but apparently they were trying again, posing as a friend to get in to the cell, only to entertain the people who read those stupid magazines. It seemed that they had reached a new low, even for them. 

Knowing that he couldn’t walk in like this, he took a deep breath to calm himself down. With his composure in place, he walked through the door of the observation room that was connected to the cell. His eyes did a quick survey of the room, only to fall back on the petite woman that stood beside the window, her back turned to him.

Her short blond hair was cut in a bob, exposing her small neck which looked to be full of scar tissue. She was wearing a grey sweater, black jeans and had ballerina flats on her feet. He looked back up to her face and saw a glimpse of a spectacle frame.

There was something about her. The way she hold herself, her posture... He looked her over once more and that was when his eyes felt to her shoes. Pink with black, and on the nose the face of a panda.

‘‘Felicity?’’  
He had spoken the name without realizing it, filled with the shock of resemblance. But it couldn’t be. There was just no way. She was dead. He went to her funeral. Oliver lived in hell because she died. This was just a woman with blond hair and glasses, who happened to wear the same shoes as her.

She turned around when she heard him and smiled softly.

‘‘Yes?’’  
Struck by the large scar on her face, he almost missed it, but the smile was still the same. Her eyes had the same expression and although the color of her glasses were different, the design was still the same. He just stared at her, eyes blinking, trying to take it all in. Felicity was alive. He didn’t know how, but she was alive. Damaged, scarred, but breathing. 

‘‘I’m sorry, but am I supposed to know you?’’

The question blew him away. Why would she pretend that she didn’t recognize him? There wasn’t anyone in the room that could question their friendship.

But then she continued to talk and the world slowly fell to pieces all over again.  
‘’I think I should, since you know my name. But I don’t know yours, which is kind of happening a lot lately. Everybody knows everything about me, except me.’’ She shrugged her shoulders. ‘’So I really am sorry if I should know you, but I don’t. Please, don’t take it personally. I wouldn’t be able to recognize my own brother if he was standing before me. That is, if I have a brother. Oh god, please don’t tell me that you are my brother, that would be weird. Because you are black, and I’m not… Not that I have anything against black people.. or white ones for that matter.’’ She took a breath and continued.

‘‘I’m sorry, apparently I talk when I’m nervous.’’ There followed another breath and he could she how she tried to compose herself. ‘’What I’m trying to tell you is... I have amnesia. I don’t remember anything.”


	2. Who you once were

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discleamer: Nothing is mine except the twisted idea
> 
> A/N: A big round of applause to my beta befitandchase (Tumblr). Thanks for the great advise you gave me and your help to erase the many faults in this. Your encouragement is very welcome and appreciated. Thank you! This one is for you!

''If only''  
Chapter two  
\----------

She used to be right beside him when he had a nightmare. Her hands would cradle his face, turning it so he didn’t have any other option but to look her in the eyes. They would be clouded with concern and care, turning into pools of blue that could drown all his problems. Words of comfort would flow in the silence around them, bringing him back to the present. Back to her. Her light would shine through his dark soul and slowly force all of it to the background. She didn’t ask questions, just held him close and let him catch his breath. Not once did she tell him that he was okay. Instead, she told him that they would be fine, that she had his back and he didn’t need to worry. She would never let go of him.

Until, of course, she did. One moment she was there next to him, and in a matter of seconds she was gone. He could still feel her holding his hand, until life left her body and her fingers slipped away…

A shock ran through him, which made the shackles ring. She was dead. The reality of it hit him hard every time he realized that. It shouldn’t, because he knew that somebody couldn’t be brought back to life, but it did. The pain that came with that knowledge was even harder to handle than anything he ever been through on the island.

There was only one way these days that he got to see her again. He needed to sleep, needed to dream, because in his dreams, Felicity was always there, just waiting to amaze him. He could pretend that they were fine, just like she had always told him.

The dreams were slowly becoming his reality. There was nothing left for him in the real world; the world where he was forced to live every single day without her. He was lost, but didn’t want to be found. He just wanted to escape his life, so that he could be with her. Anybody who thought that he was crazy to want that hadn’t experienced love the way he had.  
  


_His eyes were on her the moment she left the car. She always looked beautiful, but tonight she had really outdone herself. The long, dark blue evening gown fitted her perfectly. It emphasized all her curves in just the right ways. The strapless sweetheart neckline was accented with large silver rhinestones, just as the rest of her bodice, which made it hard for him to not let his eyes linger there forever. But then he saw the empire waist that made her look so small, and for a second he wondered if his large hands would encircle her completely if he took hold of her right now. A smile spread across his face, knowing that she would probably slap him if he ruined her look before she even got inside the dinner._

_He followed every movement she made, admiring the dress that she had chosen, but mostly, admiring the woman who wore it. As if she could feel his eyes on her, she turned her head towards the shadows that he was hiding in. She bowed her head down a little, the corners of her mouth turned upwards. She blinked once, then the smile disappeared and she looked straight ahead again. The gesture was so small that he would have missed it if he hadn’t been paying attention._

_He watched while she kept walking, feeling how with every step his heart beat quickened. The mission tonight was in her hands, but that wasn’t what was weighing so heavy on his heart. He knew that she would work through it as easily as she cracked password protected files. No, what he was feeling had nothing to do with his hood business, but everything with her. And that was not good. Instead of focusing on the mission, he was fantasizing about her. He wanted her so badly, that he could feel the tension run through his whole body. When she walked past him, he got a chance to look at the back of her dress._

_She probably had heard the groan that had escaped his lips, because the next thing he registered was her soft laugh through the comms._

_‘’You know you’re killing me with the lace up of your dress, don’t you?’’_

_‘’Don’t you get any ideas, Oliver Queen. I’m determined to keep this dress in one piece. Thanks to you, I’m still searching for the buttons of that lime green one I wore the other day. So you are just going to wait outside until I’m done with this scum bag. And after that, you are going to keep your hands off, because I really like this dress.’’_

_‘’You like that dress more than you like me, huh?’’_

_‘’No. I like the dress. I love you. I would just appreciate it if you could wait with showing me your love, until I’m out of this dress so that I can wear it another time.’’_

_He needed to bite down on the laugh that was trying to escape him. It was true that he had no patience when it came to her, especially if she was wearing form fitting dresses like that. It was so like Felicity to just tell him to suck it up because she liked the dress._

_‘’You’re truly miraculous, Felicity.’’_  
  


Felicity Smoak had picked up the pieces that were left of him and put them all back together. She had made him whole again. Not in a matter of weeks or months, but bit by bit, year by year. She had seen the best in him on his worst days. She had fought him, cursed him, encouraged and loved him.

The point was she had always been with him. She had never run away from him. At first as a partner and a friend, but slowly, something more developed between them. They had started to go out on dates, trying to balance the friend stuff with the possibility of a relationship. It didn’t take long before they became lovers. Getting to the subject of marriage, however, had taken a lot more time. But every date, he fell more in love with her.

It had taken him way too long, but in the end, he realized that if he wanted to keep her forever, he needed to act. He needed to show her that she was the only person that he wanted to be with. The planning of the proposal had taken months. The ring, the date, the words to say…

_‘‘Felicity,’’ he bowed down on one knee in front of her. ‘’See this as me, taking an arrow to the knee for you. Will you do me the honor to trust your life, your heart, your fears and your dreams with me and become my wife?’’_

_‘’I am already yours.’’_

Another shock rolled through his body. He could still remember his trembling hands as he slid the ring around her finger. It was a perfect fit, just as she was perfect for him.

So that’s why he would close his eyes and dream. Why he pretended that they were together, maybe even had kids. When he dreamed, he was as close to happiness as he would get nowadays.

It was the moment that the dream morphed into a nightmare that he would regret closing his eyes at all. Because remembering the accident was bad, but re-living it was hell on earth. But then again, he deserved hell and much worse for what he did to her.

\---

She just found another thing to add to the list of things she hadn’t known about herself. She babbled when she got nervous. All that talk about a brother, where had it come from? It was true that she didn’t know if she even had a brother, but why tell that to this random stranger? Better yet, why talk to him at all? Because he had said her name so carefully and out of breath? Or was it because of the look on his face when she turned around and confirmed that her name was Felicity? The questions kept coming and she wasn’t anywhere near getting answers. It was so frustrating. It was like everything was within her reach, but at the same time covered up by this big fog in her head.

She used the silence in the room to look at the man in front of her. The first thing she noticed, apart from his skin color, were his enormous arms. The size of bowling balls, literally. But it wasn’t so much his body or clothes that she was looking at. She wanted to know what he thought, what was going through his head. So she looked at his facial features, trying to make out what she read on it. His eyebrows were frowning in focus, which made his eyes squint together. His mouth was partly open, not in a scared way, but just open, like he was totally shocked.

Immediately, she felt bad about herself. She had talked to this random stranger about knowing her, while she didn’t even knew herself. That was when realization hit her. He didn’t have a clue what she was talking about and that was why he looked so puzzled.

‘’You don’t even know me at all, do you? You probably just read the visitor log and saw my name. That’s how you know it. Because some piece of paper told you.’’

Ironically enough, that was just how she had found it out. The police had taken fingerprints to find out who she was, and when the results came back, they showed it to her. The name on it had meant nothing to her, but it apparently had to the police, because after they knew, they had started to question her. Which was kind of crazy if you thought about it. Asking a person who lost her memory how she came to be Oliver Queen’s wife.

‘‘No, I do know you Felicity. Believe me when I tell you that.’’

His voice was strong and deep. Comforting. She looked away from him, eyes brimming with tears. Her fingers trembled from the meaning of his words. He knew her. She had finally found somebody that could help her find herself. She folded her hands into each other to hide how affected she was, but once he looked in her eyes, he could still see it.

‘’I didn’t mean to be impolite and stare at you. The thing is, it’s a lot to take in at once. You need to understand, you’re supposed to be dead. Everybody told us that you hadn’t survived the accident. Then I walk in here and see you standing there. It’s not even a miracle, it’s impossible.’’

The knowledge crushed her. The operating doctor had said that it had been touch and go a few times, but she only now understood what it meant. She had been close to dying. Close enough that people who cared about her thought she already had. And since she didn’t remember having those friends, she hadn’t been able to tell or show them otherwise.

‘’I… I didn’t know…’’

‘’Then there’s this fact that you’re alive, but I know that the person that you once were will not come back. Yes, you will talk, walk, breath and live, but if you don’t know who you are, you will never be that same person. People are formed by the things that happen in their lives. How you are raised, where you’ve grown up, who you went to school with. Whatever memory you made, you need it to be you. Without those memories, you are still dead. My dearest friend is dead.’’

Her head snapped up. The tears were flowing from her eyes.

‘’Don’t you think I know that? Every minute of every day, I’m confronted with not knowing who I am, but mostly, not knowing who I was.’’ The hopelessness of the situation made her voice grow in volume. ‘’I’ve lost pieces of myself that I won’t even recognize if I find them. I slept the last two weeks in a hotel, because there is no record of where I live. They told me my parents are dead, but I don’t even remember their faces. I’m married, but I don’t remember falling in love. All I got is my name; Felicity Megan Queen – Smoak. So I’m sorry if it’s a lot to take in for you. ’’

Her hands reached up and wiped the tears on her cheeks away. She had desperately tried to keep them from falling, but when he had all but blamed her for the fact that she could never be his true friend again, something inside her had snapped. She knew she would never be the same, but knowing didn’t make the suffering stop. Her body turned towards the window to try and shield herself from his eyes. Immediately, her eyes fell to Oliver, her husband. His eyes were closed and she exhaled deeply. At least he was getting some rest. She didn’t know when she last had a decent night’s sleep.

The guard stepped towards her, she could feel it. For a moment she did nothing, willing him to go away and just leave her alone. But then she heard his words again. I knew you. If she wanted to get further with this messed up life that was hers, then she needed him. With new found strength she turned around, eyes a little red, but the tears gone.

‘’So now that we have established that I will never be the Felicity you lost, can you at least tell me who you are?’’

‘’I’m John Diggle, Oliver’s old bodyguard and thereby your old bodyguard.''  
  


_‘’Please tell me again, why am I doing this? I mean, I understand the result we need to get, but why does that include me having a gun in my hand? What if I accidently pull the trigger? Have you thought about that? Because that is totally something that could happen.’’_

_“That’s why you have it, Felicity so that you use it. Just make sure that the barrel of the gun points towards someone else instead of yourself when you do.’’_

_She appreciated his attempt to keep her worry away with humor, but she was afraid that it wasn’t as effective as she would have liked. With a sigh, she put the gun down and looked around, searching for Oliver. When she didn’t find him, she walked to Diggle. In the years that they had known each other, they had built a strong bond. She trusted him._

_‘’I know I volunteered for this mission, but I’m afraid John. I do this for him, to keep him away from the darkness that pulls at him, but what if I get lost in that darkness too? I don’t want to lose myself in the process of helping him. I know he didn’t want me to. But I can feel it happening. The things that I’ve seen, they can’t be unseen.’’_

_‘’It’s okay to be scared. I would worry if you weren’t. Just let me remind you that we are a team. You keep him away from the dark, and I stop you whenever you’re on the edge. We have each other’s back. On the missions, but on the aftermaths too. We will never let anything happen to you.’’_  
  


‘’John?’’ she whispered the name, completely stunned by the conversation she suddenly remembered. Tears were falling again and before she knew it, her whole body contributed to her crying. Her shoulders were shaking, while soft sobs escaped her. It wasn’t that she remembered who he was or what they shared, but this single fragment told her all she needed to know for now. He had taken care of her, kept her safe. She apparently trusted him then, so she could trust him now. The words that he had spoken earlier, about her still being dead, hadn’t been meant to hurt her. It had been a reminder to himself that he shouldn’t get his hopes up. She understood that now.

Big, muscular arms encircle her, her head coming to rest again his in uniform clad chest. The pressure of his chin on her hair felt soothing. She was falling apart inside, but his strong embrace kept her from completely losing it.

‘’It’s so good to see you,’’ he whispered to her, his chest vibrating with his words. His voice comforted her, just like it had in her memory.

‘’It’s nice to meet you again.’’

She really hoped that they would be able to become friends again, although she knew it would be hard. He would always have a certain expectation of her. The person she was before was somebody that she never could compete with. But hope was rising within her, finding its way into her heart. Who knew, maybe they would be able to start all over again. And maybe, just maybe, she would get bits and pieces of her memory back in the process. She already had two little flashback today, so it was a possibility, right?

A noise was audible in the room, and before she knew it, Diggle had let her go and turned towards the source of the noise; the door. While missing his embrace, she used the moment to get her emotions back in check and to wipe the newly fallen tears away. She took a deep breath and willed her body to relax. She was in control.

The guard that accompanied her earlier, the one that she had sent off to go get Captain Bellick, was stepping into the room. After him, another man stepped inside. The men looked at her and Diggle and she was grateful for the fact that he had reacted so quickly and had let go of her. She didn’t want to think how it would have looked if they were caught in an embrace.

The man that she assumed was Captain Bellick gave Diggle a pointed look, and then walked up to her. He reached his arm out, waiting for her to take it. When she shook it, she looked into his eyes. In order to get what she needed of him, she needed to know what kind of man he was. For her, the easiest way to do that was to look a person straight in the eye and just read them. She had no idea why she was so good at reading people, but it was something that she wasn’t complaining about.

‘’I’m Captain Wade Bellick. You wanted to speak to me?’’

‘’Felicity Smoak. And actually, I wanted to speak to the doctor that is in charge of his care. But then I was told that there isn’t one? I don’t care what Oliver did, he deserves a real doctor, somebody who can help him get better. Real treatment, instead of being caged up like some animal. This,’’ she then pointed towards the window, ‘’has got to stop.’’

‘’I can understand your worries and frustration, but trust me when I say that his restraints are for his own good. My guards already told you that. It seems to me that you don’t add value to their words. So let me tell you a story. The first time he escaped his restraints, at that time just a pair of handcuffs, he injured all four guards that tried to stop him. He then targeted the doctor, who is only now learning to walk again. He did all of that so that he could get to the only object in the room that could do some damage to a person, the doctor’s pen. He stabbed himself in the chest with it.’’

She cringed. Why would somebody do that to others, as well as to himself? She didn’t know if Bellick was telling the truth, because she didn’t know if Oliver was he capable of doing something like that. And if he was so aggressive, why had she ever fallen for him?

She turned to look at Diggle, the only one in the room that had known Oliver before all this. The question was reflected in her eyes. He nodded silently, looking sorrowful.

‘’We needed to stun him with a Taser before we could get close enough to get him the care he needed. And unfortunately, it wasn’t the only time we needed to use it. He is dangerous. The doctors don’t come near him, because they all agreed; your husband is beyond saving, because he doesn’t want to be saved.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'll be on vacation from Tuesday morning till the week after that. I'll try to write the next chapter(s) while being away, but they won't be uploaded before I come back, send it to my beta and make the last changes. So you will need to have patience with me.
> 
> It will be worth the wait, I promise!


	3. Try to work it out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many ways are there to try and thank you're beta for being absolutely amazing? I don't know, but I sure as hell going to try and use every single opportunity I get to say how glad I'm with her help and encouraging. Your response to this chapter has made the hard times I had with writing it so worth it. So thank you befitandchase (tumblr)!
> 
> Like I said, I really struggled with this chapter. Took me so long to write and I still kept re-writing one part about it over and over again. I have three drafts of that little piece. So please let me know what you think about it. Every bit of positive criticism, feedback and encouraging is very welcome. 
> 
> I don't own anything about Arrow, unfortunately. 
> 
> Without further interruptions, enjoy your read.

‘’The last time I checked, beyond saving wasn’t a medical term.’’

She stepped away from her spot by the window and walked towards Captain Bellick. If he thought that she would back down from this subject, than he was wrong. There needed to be something that she could do for him. Just standing here was not good enough.

‘’I want to know his diagnosis. I’m sure that the doctors had all those fancy reports to describe it. So what is it? Adjustment disorder, PTSD, bipolar condition or is it something completely else?’’

Confused by her own words, she frowned. Where had that come from? It was true that she knew a few terms about mental conditions, but they mostly had to do with her amnesia. It seemed like some random knowledge that she had gained in the past was coming to the surface, but it wasn’t something that she could quite grasp.

Apparently, she wasn't the only one who was puzzled. The Captain’s eyebrows had come down, making him frown in focus, while his eyes slightly squinted together. That, coupled with his pursed lips, made her realize it. She huffed silently. He looked at her like she was a victim, but she really wasn’t. He had underestimated her and that was why he was now at a loss of words. Did he really think that she wouldn’t ask any more questions?

‘’Look lady, information about the clients is protected by physician-patient confidentiality. I understand that you would like to know what it is that has him in its grip, but I simply can’t tell you. It’s against the law.’’

With a little shake of her head she watched him. The answer was not good enough for her liking, and although it was true that there was something like doctor-patient confidentiality, he had forgotten one thing…

‘’The doctor-patient privilege that you’re referring to exists, I’m aware of that. But you forgot one thing about it. The rule does not apply to information shared with physicians who are not medical providers. As far as I can see by your uniform, you’re a guard. A Captain perhaps, but a guard nonetheless.’’ Proud of herself, she looked up in to the eyes of the man, a smug smile on her lips. ‘’Unless off course, you’re just wearing a Captains uniform, like, to hide that you are actually a doctor. But that would be strange, wouldn’t it?’’ Ah, there it was again, the babbling.

Bellick gave her a look that made her cringe. It wasn’t hard to tell that he didn’t find her ramblings endearing or amusing.

‘’Very funny Miss Smoak,’’ he said sarcastic. ‘’Nonetheless, I’m not going to give you any information about Mr. Queen.’’

Frustrated, she closed the distance between them. If she would step any closer, her chest would brush against his. He confused her and she was really starting to hate being confused. First, he told her bits and pieces about Oliver and his point of no return, only to back out of his statement now. If only he would just tell her. It would save them both a lot of trouble.

Her eyes left those of Bellick only to come to rest at Diggle’s. A pleading look was visible in her blue depths. As a former friend, he would help her, wouldn’t he?

A slight shift of his head told her all that she needed to know. She closed her eyes and forced her more confident self to reappear again. This other side of her, she needed it in order to deal with the things that had happened to her. As long as she could pretend that she was still functioning like any normal person, it would all be alright. At least, that was what she told herself.

Since the moment she had woken up in the hospital and remembered absolutely nothing, she had divided herself in to roles to make it easier to keep her head above the water. Without her masks, she would have given in to her desperation a long time ago. And while at first the masks had been a coping mechanism, they were just a matter of habit now. She knew exactly which front she needed to put on to get the best result out of any situations she was being put in. With the mask firmly in place, she turned her attention back to Captain Bellick.

‘’You know, when I requested this visit, I was asked for my name. So I told the receptionist that Felicity Smoak wanted to visit her old employer. And although that’s true, it isn’t the whole truth. My name is Felicity _Queen_ \- Smoak and I’m here to see my husband.’’

The shock on the face of the Captain was evident. He clearly hadn’t had an idea on who she really was. Not that she did know, but Google had helped her a bit. Still, she couldn’t blame him. She had seen the pictures that the paparazzi had taken of Oliver and her and she had looked like a completely different person there. The pictures showed a young, pretty woman, smiling at the gorgeous man next to her. She wasn’t that woman any more.

‘’I hope that you are aware of the fact that the Queens have a lot of influence in this city. So I will give you two choices. You are either going to tell me exactly what I want to know, or you are going to regret not telling me for the rest of your life.’’

‘’Listen carefully young lady, if you think that –‘’

A polite clearing of a throat interrupted him in the middle of his sentence. Without looking, she knew the direction where it had come from. Silently, she thanked Diggle for his timing. Bellick clearly wasn’t a man that was easily intimidated and his impatience with her made her feel uncomfortable.

‘’Please excuse me Captain, but can I have a quick word with you?’’

Felicity watched how the tension seeped out of the shoulders of the Captain when he exhaled. She could tell that he was displeased by the interruption. A moment of silence seemed to capture them all, until very slowly, Bellick turned around.

Before she knew it, she was once again alone in Oliver’s observation room. A shaky breath left her lips, the confident mask slipping away. Would this technique really work? Could they really coerce him enough to give her what she asked? Or would she need to prove to him that she wasn’t bluffing? That she really would do anything within her powers to know what was happening to Oliver. She hoped that Diggle would be able to give him the final push, because she was tired. She did her best to stay calm and keep everything in check, but in the last hour alone she had been swinging back and forth between desperation and relief. The emotional limbo she was going through was beginning to take its toll.

She stalked back towards the window, back to Oliver. Except from the pictures and some old articles, she hadn’t found anything on Google about their relationship. It had made the headlines two years ago, _playboy billionaire Oliver Queen marrying IT geek Felicity Smoak_ , but after the articles that covered the marriage, there was nothing. She had come across a small discussion on the internet, where some people had stated that the reporters were being paid, so that they would never write about ‘’Olicity’’. Either way, she had learned nothing about her husband online. And yet, she felt herself drawn to him. It was almost as if her body remembered being close to him.

She found herself watching every breath he took. He didn’t look distressed to her. No, if you asked her, the patient in cell twenty-one looked peacefully asleep, unaware of anything that was happening around him.

\---

The moment the door closed behind them, Bellick turned towards him. The gaze of the man was impressive, but not if you were used to the ones that Oliver could give in his ‘’Hood’’ years.

‘’Care to explain to me why you’re interrupting your commanding officer while he is in the middle of a conversation?’’

Diggle couldn’t blame Bellick for his words, nor for the harsh tone in which they were spoken. If it had been anybody else other than Felicity in that room, he would have done exactly the same. But, how strange and miraculous it all seemed, it was Felicity in there and that changed everything.

It was as if the rest of the staff wasn’t aware of the amnesia she was suffering from. Whatever reason she had for not telling, he respected her and decided that it wasn’t his place to inform his colleague of her condition. There were other ways to make sure that she got to hear about Oliver’s mental condition. For this moment, he just hoped that Bellick would cooperate.

He really wanted her to know, because when he had closed her in his arms just moments ago, he had felt a spark of hope run through his body. She had saved Oliver once, who knew if maybe she would also be his salvation the second time around.

While the sobs had rocked her body, he had felt her desperation and confusion. Only then had he realized that he was the first person she met that knew her before the accident. In her eyes, he was the one that could tell her more about herself.

All he could do in that moment was hold her close like he thought he would never be able to do again. What mattered now was having her back. The thought that maybe she would never truly be back was pushed to the back of his mind.

‘’I just wanted to make sure that you know who you’re dealing with Captain. As you know, I’ve been Mr. Queen’s bodyguard for seven years, before I started working here. When he met Miss Smoak six and a half years ago and married her four years after that, I was there. It became my job to protect her as well. And in those years, I learned one thing. They always find their way back to each other. Heaven and earth will be moved if that’s what it takes.’’

‘’And what you’re trying to say is..?’’

‘’That right now, you’re the person standing between them.’’

It was the truth. He had always watched in amazement at the ways those two found each other. How they found solutions for the problems that stood in the way of their happiness. That was one of the reasons why he had been so shocked by the accident. Faith had brought them together so many times, only to literally rip them apart in the end. It hadn’t seemed possible.

‘’The Queen family maybe have lost the huge influence they once had in the city, but they still have more money than all of the employees that work here put together. I’m telling you that she will not hesitate to bribe one of them. And whoever she chooses, that guard will be happy to tell her everything he knows. She will get her answers, one way or another.’’

Her persistence was another thing he had always admired about her. When something triggered her interest, she was like a dog with a bone. She wouldn’t let it go until she had gotten to the bottom of things.

_The stereo was playing some jazz when he heard the knocking on his door. Already knowing who would stand behind it, he got up from his chair and walked over to the other side of the room._

_He was home on doctors’ orders. It was only a week after the destruction of the glades and the injuries to his shoulder and leg needed more time in order to heal. Apart from those two knife wounds, he had left the Glades with some cuts and bruises, but luckily nothing too serious._

_When he opened the door, he found Felicity standing in the hallway, just as he had expected. It had only been a matter of time._

_As soon as he stepped aside, she stalked into the apartment. With a firm flick of her hands, she closed the door behind them. Her bright blue eyes that were filled with worry roamed the room. When she saw nothing but him, she walked further into the room and then started speaking in hushed tones. It was almost as if she was scared to be overheard by others. It was either that, or she was trying to hold herself together._

_‘’Do you know where he is? Because if you do, I deserve to know too.’’_

_‘’Hello to you too Felicity. I’m fine, the wounds are healing, thanks for asking.’’_

_She sighed and started pacing the room. Her hands made small gestures while she kept quiet, trying to deal with his response. Eventually she stood still and turned towards him, her hand pushing her spectacles higher up her nose._

_‘’I’m sorry John. You know that you matter to me. That I care.’’ The pacing was back again. ‘’It’s just... I really need to know where he is, so that I can speak to him with my very loud voice. How could he be so stupid?’’_

_Confused by her words, he shot her a look and pointed towards the couch. She seemed too pent up with energy to even notice his polite gesture. Whatever it was that she held against Oliver, it was something that she wouldn’t let him get away with. The ways she held her body, spoke the words, it told him that much._

_‘’I mean, have you checked your bank account recently? Because you wouldn’t believe what I found when I looked at mine this morning. One million dollars, that’s what I found. He gave me one million dollars. And while I’m sorry for invading your privacy, I took the liberty to look at yours after that. I hoped that he hadn’t been so foolish to do what I suspected him to do, but he did. You’ve received exactly the same amount of money. So that’s two million dollars from Oliver Queen’s account to his bodyguard and some IT specialist. It’s hard enough that he left us to deal with the aftershocks of this manmade earthquake, but didn’t he realize that giving us money would create suspicion? Put us in danger? I’m already on the police radar for aiding the vigilante, and now I have to explain why Oliver Queen decided to give me a million dollars. While honestly I don’t even know why he gave it to me.’’_

_The tension in her body seemed to seep out with every word that she said, until she seemed almost deflated. It was then that she finally made her way towards the couch and sat on it._

_‘’Luckily for him, I’ve been able to erase every digital footprint that he made while making the deposits. If anybody takes a closer look, they will see that the money has gone to funds that help to restore the city. What they don’t know is that it’s actually Malcolm Merlyn’s money that is transferred to those accounts, while our money is safely tucked in offshore bank accounts, collecting rent.’’_

_With a sad smile, she handed him a thick, carton card with a number one it. He flipped it over, but there was nothing else on it. He looked at her, amazed by what she had done in order to keep their secrets safe. When he told her that, she just shrugged her shoulders._

_‘’ Just let me know when you want to make a withdrawal from it, so that I can hide it. Besides, there is already one person ‘’de-hooded’’, no need to let them get to the others as well. But Oliver needs to understand that I can help him if he keeps doing things like this. What if I hadn’t noticed it in time and somebody else did? Why give it to us at all?’’_

_In seconds, she was back on her feet, the anger resurfacing on her face. Oliver had told him about the money, just moments before he left, but just like Oliver, he hadn’t realized the problems it could cause them. She had. Once again, they had underestimated the clever and bright Felicity Smoak. Apologizing for it would be futile though, because it wasn’t his place to say those words. Still, he felt for her._

_‘’You know, at first, I tried to put the money back to his account. Getting it has made me feel cheap, like I can be bought, bribed or paid off. He used something that has worked for him before; giving money to ease his mind, thinking that we would be grateful for it. But I’m not. He tried to buy something that I willingly gave to him. It has always been my choice to make, but now, with the money, it feels like he has always controlled my decisions. And I know that it doesn’t make sense, because it’s just money right? No need to search for a meaning behind it. But you’re wrong. It isn’t just money. Not for me.’’_

_He understood what she was trying to say. That she felt pushed aside, thrown away. If Oliver hadn’t transferred the money, she would still be upset about the fact that he left, but she wouldn’t have been mad about it. Felicity wasn’t a person to hold a grudge against anybody, unless they really upset her. It looked like Oliver had managed to do just that._

_‘’The thing is, John, that he didn’t even bother to let me know he would leave. I had to find out from the fact that I lost his tracker signal. Did he really think that I wouldn’t notice? If so, then he is even more stupid then I held him accounted for.’’_

_His hand landed on her shoulder. He gave her a firm squeeze before turning completely to her. She had him worried about what she might do. Felicity was a warm, understanding and kind person, but the moment somebody crossed her… Let’s just say that those people wouldn’t forget it quickly. She was not somebody that you could mess with._

_‘’You’ll let me know when you’re planning to do something as equally stupid as him, right?’’_

_She looked at him with a hint of mischief in her eyes. A lopsided smile started to play on her lips._

_‘’Don’t worry, Dig. For now, I’ll just make it my goal to find him again. No way will Oliver Queen beat me with this one. He should have known better than to try and outsmart me. I don’t need a tracking device to find anybody. And when I do find him… Let’s just say that he has some serious explaining to do.’’_

A small smile played at his lips. She had found Oliver in the end, using her own kind of super powers to track every lead she got on him. Felicity and her computers. It was almost scary what she could do with them. Or used to be able to do with them. Had she lost the ability to hack her way into any mainframe along with her memory? It was an interesting question. Were all the skills she had acquired in the years that they had been a team gone, now that she didn't remember acquiring them? Or would she use them without even knowing it?

His attention gazed back to Bellick, who was clearly letting himself get worked up by the intimidation that was going on.

‘’I really hope we don’t get mixed up in a conflict of interest Mr. Diggle. I know you only came to work here because of Mr. Queen, but your priority should lay with the institution now. You’re a good guard, kind with the inmates and comforting with their visitors… I would rather not fire you.’’

The anger that Bellick showed was a weak attempt to hide his true feelings. It was actually quite easy to read him. Worried about the threat that Felicity posed, he made his own counter threat of firing Diggle. It would be a problem if that would happen, because he needed to be the one that was close to Oliver. In the moments that his friend lost his mind, he was the only one that could get close enough to even try and help him. Getting fired from the job meant even more trouble and injuries for Oliver.

‘’ See this as a warning. If you interrupt me one more time while I’m dealing with visitors, you can forget about your job and don’t even start on trying to visit. Am I clear?’’

''Crystal,'' he stated. He didn't know if the coercion had worked, but at least he had tried to get Felicity closer to the answers that she was so desperately seeking. If Bellick still wouldn't tell her anything, he could always choose to tell her. As long as she was able to keep the intel she acquired to herself, his job wouldn't be in danger.

\---

Back in the room, Felicity was still watching Oliver. She was fascinated by the way he lay there, silently sleeping like he wasn’t chained up at all. Maybe it was the fact that he was crazy that contributed to that. After all, they said that people who lost their mind didn’t have a moral guide. That could be the reason why he was asleep, instead of worrying about the accusations that were being laid on him.

There were a few things that she had learned about Oliver through the help of the internet and some magazines that her psychologist had given to her. First and most importantly of all, she was married to him. Second, he was still a billionaire. And last but not least, he had survived five years on an Island in the south Chinese Sea. Those where the three parts the tabloids all had agreed on. The rest was inconclusive. Did he marry her out of love, or was there another reason why they tied the knot? Was he still a playboy, even if he now wore a ring? And her biggest concern: were the police right and did he arrange the accident so that he could get rid of her and the settlement arrangement?

She was brought out of her thoughts when she noticed a shift of his body. It was nothing more but a slight tremor running its course and yet it had gotten her attention. Her eyes kept roaming his body, looking for a signal that he was waking up and that was when she saw it. His lips were moving. Apparently, she hadn’t mastered the skill to lip-read in her previous life, because she couldn’t make out a word of what he said. That kept continuing, until he started screaming out her name.

‘’Felicity!’’

The desperation of his tone made her shiver. She wrapped her arms around her chest in an attempt to keep herself from falling apart. Worry gripped her by her throat. Whatever he was reliving in his nightmare, it seemed to be hell itself.

‘’Don’t say that Felicity!’’

Rattling shackles filled the silence that stretched forth after his outburst. She watched as he squirmed against the hold of his restraints. It was like he was trying to get his freedom back, but there was no way that he could escape them.

‘’Stay with me!’’

She gasped at his words, tears threatening to spill. She held her arms even closer to her chest. His cries made her want to curl into a ball and protect herself from the pain. Because every single thing about Oliver screamed at her that he was badly hurt. It was something that she couldn’t deal with.

A tear became visible on his straight jacket and she instantly knew that he had just accomplished that. After that first tear came another and then she could see how his arms came free from behind his back. She didn’t know how he did it, but in a matter of seconds, the chains that had kept him immobilized lay on the floor, padlock still in place. With eyes still closed, Oliver just lay there for a moment.

‘’It will be over soon… I... I promise.’’

She woke up out of her state of shock and bewilderment as soon as she saw that he was not getting up, but instead reached for the chains. Finally she understood where the red, swollen line in his neck came from. He had tried to choke himself. And if she could trust her instincts, he would try to do it again.

In an instant she was at the door, throwing it open. She rushed through it, ignoring Captain Bellick and Diggle and ran straight to the next door. Her hand grabbed the handle and yanked it down, but the damn thing wouldn’t open. Frustrated, she pulled it a few more times, but to no avail. A big hand pushed her out of the way and held out an access card to a reader. With a little bleep, the access was granted.

Sick with worry about maybe being too late, she tried to slip in, only to be pushed aside by Diggle. Instinct kicked in and without thinking, she stepped back and came in from the right, blocking his next push and stepping around him.

Finally standing in Oliver’s cell, her eyes darted back and forth until she spotted him, lying curled up in the corner, shackles wrapped around his neck.

‘’Oliver!’’ she cried out, the fear of him dying consuming her.

He opened his eyes at the sound of her voice, blue eyes staring at her. Chills ran through her body when she looked in them. There was no life left. He was not damaged, he was shattered.

‘’Felicity,’’ he said with a soft voice.

It was tender, filled with sorrow and grief. His voice alone felt like a ministration to her. She kneeled beside him, careful not to scare him away. She reached for his face, craving to touch him. He jerked back, head hitting the padded wall.

‘’No,’’ he breathed, eyes big and pupils blown wide. ‘’It can’t be. I killed you.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, evil cliffhanger. Please don't kill me for it.  
> I hope to update within a week.


	4. Broken from the start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is for my amazing beta befitandchase! I love you hon and thanks for all the wonderful talks we have!
> 
> A little sidenote to go along with this chapter; please, keep breathing.

Calloused fingers ran along the scar on her cheek. She let her eyes fall shut, relishing in the feeling. In this moment, it didn’t matter that she had no idea who she was and where she stood. All she could think about was Oliver. Leaning in to the touch, she softly sighed.  
  
‘’You’re not real,’’ he murmured throatily.  
  
It was nothing more than a whisper, but it made her shiver nonetheless. His warm breath was like a caress. She opened her eyes, finding his face closer to hers than when she had closed them. With shaking fingers, she reached for the chain that was still around his neck. She was desperately hoping that she could take it off, to let him take a full breath of air again.   
  
His free hand came up to grasp hers before she even came close to the shackles that were threatening his life. Their fingers intertwined immediately, while the hand that had been lying against her cheek moved towards her neck. The scar tissue there was so thick that she didn’t even feel how his fingers ghosted over it. Him playing with her short hair however, was something that she could enjoy.  
  
‘’I didn’t save you,’’ he spoke again, this time with a bit more force.   
  
Still, his voice was soft, low. She didn’t understand what he was saying, what he meant by it. She assumed it was the confusion of seeing her again. He had been in the accident with her. He was the one that did remember what happened. Maybe the memory was so strong that he didn’t comprehend that this was reality. That she lived.   
  
‘’It’s okay Oliver.’’  
  
Her words seemed to trigger something inside him. She felt the grip of his hand tightening around hers. His hold turned almost painful. Unwillingly, she let out a small whimper. Immediately, he pulled his hand out of hers. The mood had completely changed. The tension that ran through his body was visible. If she was being honest, she was scared by him.   
  
Suddenly, both of his hands lay around her neck, squeezing off her air supply. She yelped in surprise, but no sound escaped her throat. Her nails dug in to the back of his hand, but he didn’t even seem to notice. In an attempt to get away from him, she pulled her head back, hoping that his hold wasn’t strong enough for the pull. Unfortunately, when she had kneeled down beside him, she hadn’t thought about the fact that she wouldn’t be able to move from that position. Her head didn’t move far enough to make a difference. Realization hit her. She was at his mercy.  
  
‘’Don’t say that!’’  
  
He was yelling now, shaking her violently back and forth. She pushed at his chest, tried to hit him wherever she could. Tears started to stream over her cheeks, black spots dancing in front of her eyes. Her mouth stood open, gasping for air that would never come. She could feel the strength slipping out of her body. This was it. This was the end.  
  
  
A pulsing sensation ran through her body. Every muscle in her body seemed to flex and then she collapsed sideward. Her glasses fell off, making it impossible to distinguish anything, but she could see figures moving in front of her. She tried to look up, scramble back, but her body didn’t respond. It was almost as scary as being choked to death.   
  
It was then that she registered the fact that the pressure on her neck was gone. Whatever the pulsing shock had done to her, it had also affected Oliver. She took a big breath of air which actually made her cough. Her lungs seemed to be on fire.  
  
‘’Felicity? Are you alright?’’   
  
A dark figure loomed over her. She could hear the worry and regret in his deep voice. He circled around her and gently laid an arm on her waist. Her first reaction was to pull away from him, but still, her body didn’t respond. Slowly, she got pulled up into a sitting position, with him supporting her so that she wouldn’t crash back to the floor.    
  
It took her a moment to fully think again. There was only one logical explanation for what had happened. She had gotten tased. She didn’t know how she knew it, but she guessed it was one of her past memories, knowledge she had learned and that was a part of her. Just like being good at reading people and having an understanding of medical jargon. For now, she didn’t ask questions about why she had that knowledge, but just rolled with it. There were other things that requested her attention right now.  
  
The man handed her glasses back to her. With a sigh of relief, she noticed that she could move again, her muscles already holding herself up. As soon as she put the spectacles on, everything came back in focus. Oliver lying still on the floor, Captain Bellick next to him with a syringe in his hand. Whatever the contents had been, she was sure that it now coursed through Oliver’s veins.  
  
‘’I’m so sorry. When I saw how affectionate he was with you…. I just assumed that everything was falling back in its place. That he understood that you were still alive.’’  
  
She looked back to see Diggle kneeling behind her. She thought that it was him, found the sound of the voice familiar. When she looked into his eyes, she could see that he truly cared about her. About them. That he had seen them together and had hoped that everything would be normal again. She couldn’t blame him. In those few seconds before his hands had grabbed her throat, she had hoped exactly the same.   
  
When he noticed that she was able to hold herself up, he stood up to pace the room frustrated. His hand ran over his head, his eyes not meeting hers. She became aware of the guild that was pulling at him.   
  
‘’How the hell was I supposed to know that he didn’t believe it? Whatever happened during that accident of yours, it screwed him up more then I even realized.’’  
  
‘’You couldn’t know Mr. Diggle. That’s the thing with PTSD,’’ Captain Belick said. ‘’If what he said about killing you is true,’’ he turned to Felicity now, ‘’then seeing you again – whether he believes you’re alive or not – can be a trigger to increase his anxiety. He wasn’t thinking, he just acted.’’   
  
A strangled, short laugh escaped her. Well, at least there was one plus side to this. She had finally gotten her answer about his medical condition.  
  
Diggle shot her a worried glance. With a smile, she tried to reassure him that she wasn’t going crazy, but noticed that he wasn’t looking at her face. His gaze was taking in the damage that she had suffered. There were red finger marks on her neck, which would turn into some serious bruises later on. Her lungs still felt irritated, but other than that, she felt fine.  
  
‘’Felicity… your leg...’’  
  
The shock in his voice made her look down immediately. Oh, right. That was something that she needed to explain, because it wasn’t considered normal if your femur pointed in one direction and your foot in the other.  
  
‘’Don’t panic. It’s not broken...’’   
  
She could easily read the disbelief on his face. That wasn’t strange though, because legs weren’t able to position themselves like her left leg did. With a weary sigh, she tried to decide what to do. Should she tell him or show him? Not being able to tell what would be the best option, she decided to do it both, almost at the same time. It would shock him, but at least he would fully understand want it meant.   
  
She pulled the pant leg up and made sure to watch his face as another one of her injuries came to the surface.  
  
‘’It’s amputated,’’ she whispered hoarsely.  
  
\---  
  
It wasn’t the first prosthetic that he saw; a bomb ripping limbs off a body, captured soldiers that were tortured. When being in a war, amputations were daily business. It was, however, something that he associated with the army. Not with an IT specialist. Not with her.   
  
Now that he could see it, he understood why she hadn’t pulled away when Oliver had laid his hands on her throat. She hadn’t been able to. The socket, the portion of the prosthetic that connected with the limb stump, had gotten loose in the struggle. It was a probability that one of the straps of the suspension system had come free and caused the problem.    
  
He cast a sideward glance at Oliver. He knew that the contents of the syringe had been a sedative. It was a method that he hoped they could use less than they did, but when Oliver had one of his nightmares, this was the only way to stop him: Tasing him so that they could get close enough to insert the needle.   
  
Bellick was carefully removing the chains from around his neck. It wasn’t fully embedded in the skin, but it still looked pretty painful to him. A part of him thought that Oliver deserved exactly that for trying to strangle Felicity. If he believed Oliver’s confession when he first laid eyes on Felicity today, it was the second time that he had tried to kill her.  
  
A soft sound from her direction made him turn his attention back to her. He didn’t need to ask when the amputation had happened. There was only one reasonable explanation.   
  
She had noticed his gaze and stopped fumbling with the straps that kept everything in place to look up to him. She cast him a slight smile, one he couldn’t return. This whole situation made him feel uneasy.  
  
‘’Did you know that they customize these things by the preferences of the ‘’owner’’?  I asked for a pegleg first. A wooden one, just like Captain Ahab has. You know, like in Moby Dick…’’  
  
He became aware of the tension that seeped out of his body. Once again, Felicity had proven to know how to deal with difficult silences. She just babbled her way out of it. Grateful for the humor that she provided, he could feel a warm smile starting to appear.  
  
‘’Once they told me that they couldn’t do something quirky like that, I decided to go for the next best thing. Carbon fiber for the pylon and skin colored plastic to fit right over that. If you can’t stand out, blend in.’’  
  
 _‘’She will kill you for this man.’’_  
  
 _‘’I know, that’s why I need you to fix it.’’_  
  
 _‘’No way Oliver. I’m not touching her computers. I like my life just the way it is, thank you.’’_  
  
 _He didn’t know how Oliver could be so stupid. There was a reason why Felicity always mentioned the computers as hers. She was the one that built them. She even considered it a crime if you looked at the monitors while she was gone. She made it seem like they could break at any moment. Perhaps she was right, since Oliver was now sitting in front of a blue screen; a blue screen that tech people referred to as BSOD: Blue Screen Of Dead._  
  
 _The sound of footsteps on the metal staircase made them both look up and over their shoulders. In walked Felicity. She cast a look at the both of them. It made him walk away from the desk and Oliver stepped immediately out of the chair._ Her _chair._  
  
 _Perhaps that wasn’t the wisest of choice, because the blue screen came in view the moment Oliver’s broad shoulders moved. Her look turned into a full glare._  
  
 _‘’What have you done with it?’’_  
  
 _‘’Nothing. I just typed something on the keyboard and before I knew it, this was staring at me.’’_  
  
 _‘’You suck.’’ She closed her eyes, horrified about what she said and how it sounded. ‘’Not like that. What I meant was, you’re bad.’’ Another silence. ‘’With computers I mean. Almost as bad as I am with my social skills. I’m never going to apologize for it though. When I went to high school, I was laughed at because of my lack of brain to mouth filter. I was that awkward girl with glasses and braces that couldn’t shut up about things. I didn’t connect with people, and I sure as hell didn’t have any friends. It took me two years, but then I realized that at least I was unique. I was my own person and nobody should ever blame me for being myself. So I stopped trying to fit in. Different is good. If you can’t blend in, stand out.’’_  
  
The familiarity of her words took him by surprise. He wanted to tell her that she had gotten the sequence of the wording wrong, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t his place to bring it up anyways.   
  
‘’Let me help you up.’’  
  
She gestured to him to wait a second while she checked the straps one more time. When she pushed her pant leg down and nodded, he stepped next to her and gave her a hand. With combined effort, they got her standing again. She had been right about her leg blending in. He wouldn’t have noticed it if he hadn’t seen it himself.  
  
‘’Now that you have your answer about how damaged your husband is, I’m going to ask you to leave Miss Smoak. And if you’re thinking about suing us for this incident, remember that I warned you about how dangerous he is. You have no one to blame but yourself.’’   
  
They both turned to the source of the voice. Captain Bellick had finished removing the chain from Oliver and was now looking at them. His voice triggered something deep inside him. He had never really liked the guy – way too much temper  – but this was just offensive.   
  
Wanting to reassure Felicity, he raised his hands to lay them on her shoulders. It was impossible to not notice how she shirked away. All she probably could think about was the fact that his hands came dangerously close to her already showing bruises. Gently, he put his hands back down and settled for a nod instead. He needed her to know that he was not going to let this slide.  
  
There needed to be a solution to all of this, a way to avoid the struggle that was going on between Felicity and Bellick. She should be able to visit Oliver any time she wanted.   
  
Oliver. He was the key to this situation. An inkling started to form in his head. He needed to consider the details and the risk of it, but it could be a possibility. If he could pull it off, it would be the perfect solution to all of their troubles. Besides the fact that Felicity could see him whenever she liked, it would also help Oliver to get better treatment. He smiled inwardly, wondering why he didn’t come up with idea sooner.  
  
‘’I will walk you out Miss Smoak.’’  
  
\---  
  
She shot Dig a glare. He was supposed to help her, not show her to the door. She opened her mouth, ready to tell them both that she wasn’t leaving, not until Oliver got the medical attention he needed, when she saw a glimpse of… something in his eyes. She couldn’t quite describe it, but it made her close her mouth again. He wanted her to trust him.   
  
With a weary sigh, she cast one last glance at Oliver. He was laying there in that corner, like something that was tossed aside. It hurt her to see him like that, which in return made her mad at herself. He had cut off her air supply, tried to end her life and still she felt for him, for a stranger that she knew nothing about?  
  
Upset, she turned around and walked out of the room, Diggle following her every step of the way. Once they were outside, he gave her another one of those looks. The question that was lying in his brown eyes was evident. It was a good thing that he didn’t voice his concern, because it would have been her undoing. In an attempt to hold all of her feelings in, she clenched her fist.  
  
‘’I’ll manage.’’  
  
She wasn’t sure if he heard her whisper until his facial features softened. He seemed to understand what she meant by it. That she couldn’t bring herself into saying that she was okay, because it would be a lie. It was clear to both of them that she wasn’t and wouldn’t be for a while. But she would deal with it. Just like she dealt with every setback she had the last couple of months.  
  
Her small arm brushed his while they walked through the white corridors. They both felt it, but neither of them pulled back. It made her feel a little better, knowing that he was right beside her, his big, strong body ready to keep her from harm.  
  
‘’Look, we don’t have that much time and I know you have a lot of questions. I wish I could answer them all, but I don’t think I can. There isn’t that much I know about the accident. Just the details the police found during their investigation.’’  
  
‘’Then let’s skip the questions about that horrific day. Tell me about Oliver. How we met, why we married… Tell me about my work, my hobbies, my family. ’’ She took a breath and looked up to him. ‘’Tell me who I was before I forgot everything John. Tell me who I am today...’’  
  
Her voice broke at those last words. She was so lost. All she was looking for was something, someone that would tether her to the ground, keep her from losing her head.   
  
They had reached the front door, but instead of letting her walk through, he took her hand and gave it a quick squeeze before letting go. She appreciated the gesture. It felt familiar, trusted.  
  
‘’We’ll find out Felicity. But for now, I need you to rest. Give yourself some time to let the information you found sink in. Then tomorrow, we’ll talk. Call me in the morning and I’ll let you know where to meet. There’s a place that I think you should see.’’  
  
He handed her a thick carton card with his number on it. She smiled up at him, contemplating how she should say goodbye. He helped her with that choice when his ginormous arms encircled her and held her close.  
  
‘’Take care of yourself, okay,’’ he whispered in her ear.  
  
‘’I will. Thank you, John.’’  
  
She couldn’t say who pulled out of the embrace first, but when they did it was alright. It felt like a weight had been lifted off from her shoulders. It felt good to know that there was a friend out there, somebody that would help her get through it all.   
  
Fingers reached up in their search for bruises and found them soon enough. Her neck felt ragged and swollen. It was a good thing that it wasn’t summer, because she would need to wear a scarf or turtle neck to hide what had happened.   
  
She turned and walked out the door, out of the building that housed her husband. When she cast a last glance through the glass windows, she saw how Diggle pulled his phone up. It made her aware of the business card that still lay in her hands. Tomorrow, there would finally be some answers.  
  
\---  
  
Somewhere underground, a black phone started ringing. It went off once, then twice, before the owner crossed the room and picked it up.  As always, the display showed a blocked number. He hit the accept button and raised the device to his ear.  
  
‘’Roy? Listen, I need you to do something for me…’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you still breathing? I hope so, because what would I do without you guys?
> 
> Please, if this story has triggered something in you, let me know okay. When I was stuck the other day, it was not only my lovely beta who got me through it, it was also you guys. Your amazing response keeps me going, it makes me smile and gives me so much fulfillment. THANK YOU!
> 
> I hope to have the next chapter ready by next week.


	5. Consign me to the darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all the lovely people reading this story. I want to thank you so much for showing an interest in the story. It’s a heavy one to read and it doesn’t give you the instant hit of feeling good and happy, but I promise that in the end, it will all pay off. I try to keep this story as close to reality as I can, which means that life has ups and downs. At the moment, we are still stuck at the down times, but I promise that there is good stuff on its way.
> 
> If you want to leave a reaction to my story, please do. I don’t care if it’s long or short, if you have a point you want to make or just want to throw flowers all around (or cry in a corner), let me know. I love getting replies and it sure as hell makes me write as fast as I can to get the new chapter to you all! Oh, and if you have questions, those are welcome to, just as supportive criticism. 
> 
> Without further ado; Enjoy the next chapter.  
> Love, TheNightSign

As soon as she entered the hotel room, she headed towards the bathroom. She wanted to assess the damage that the chokehold had brought her. A worn-out sigh came from her lips when her reflection stared back at her. As always, it was the face of a stranger.  
  
She avoided looking at the scar on her cheek and just focused on the fingers that where visible on her throat. It felt a little swollen and it was painful to swallow, but other than that, the damage was nothing she wouldn’t survive.  
  
She turned away from the mirror and started to undress. She purposely didn’t look at the scars that came to the surface when the layers of clothes disappeared. Grabbing the night robe that was laying on the edge of the bathtub, she made her way back to the room. Diggle had been right, she needed to rest, but there was just one thing she needed to do first.  
  
Pen and paper where on the nightstand, seemingly waiting for her. Written on the notepad was what she thought of as her character sheet. Since she didn’t know anything about herself, she had made a list of things that she wanted to know so she could write down everything that she found out. It started with her name and eye color, but soon enough, the questions were about where she was born, who her friends where and what she did as hobbies.  
  
Sometimes, the document seemed to laugh at her. There were more blank spots than answers. During those low points, she felt like she was a wandering soul. Her life was slowly driving her crazy. All she needed to do was solve this mystery and she came up short every single time. What had she ever done to deserve this cruel fate?  

Luckily, today was a new day and for once, she didn’t feel like she had disappointed herself. With a reminiscent smile she searched the document.  
  
 _‘’Friends?’’_  
  
 _John Diggle._  
  
She underlined the name and then wrote the number from the card below it. He was her lead, her hope to get the answers she was searching for. She came to Starling City to get information out of Oliver, but after today, she had no desire to visit him any time soon.  
  
It wasn’t that late, but she could feel the weariness pulling at her bones. The notepad got placed back on the nightstand before she started to loosen the straps of her prosthetic. She had learned that it was easier to give in and go to sleep than to fight against it. Once she removed the prosthetic, she pushed herself up, so that she could shimmy her way under the covers. When she lay as comfortable as she would get without any help, she closed her eyes.  
  
 _‘’I won’t let this be the end of us,’’ Oliver said, voice thick with emotion._  
  
It was the last thing she registered before she fell asleep.  
  
\---  
  
Upstairs he could hear the party winding down. It wouldn’t be long before the first sunlight would pierce through the darkness of the night. It meant that in about an hour, Thea would be making her way home after another successful night of running her brother’s business. These last four months weren’t the first period that she covered for Oliver. After The Glades had fallen, she had taken that same responsibility on her shoulders. This time however, she knew that he wasn’t coming back to lift those burdens. After that fateful day, Thea had lost her brother all over again. Yes, Oliver was still alive, but there was no way to get the old version of him back. Or the new, old version.  
  
With Thea still not knowing what Oliver actually did during his nights at Verdant, Roy needed to get back to the house before she did. The last thing the team needed right now was Thea asking questions about where he spent his nights when she was working. He and Dig had agreed. It had been Oliver’s choice not to tell her about Green Arrow, so they wouldn’t tell her either. It was better that way. Safer.  
  
He glanced toward the computers that were on the far end of the foundry, reminiscing how they once were standing in the middle of the room, a certain blonde behind them. A huff filled with bitterness escaped him. Safety was nothing but an illusion.  
  
As if looking at the computers had triggered something, one of the three screens started to glitch. It was like it was alerting him that they needed to be looked at. He already knew that, since Felicity used to update the systems every week. Now that she was gone, they hadn’t had a proper check in months. Neither Dig nor he had touched them though. It was like some sort of unspoken rule between them. They had been, and always would be, _her_ computers.  
  
They used a new laptop to crosscheck the intel that –thanks to Felicity’s programs - still came in. It wasn’t as much information as they were used to and they didn’t get is as fast as they would like, but it got the job done.  
  
Ever since the day of the accident, the team had been crippled. With two of the four members missing, it wasn’t nearly as strong as it once was. In all honesty, there was only one reason why he hadn’t given up yet. One reason why he kept hiding under the red leather hood. He did it for them, to keep their memory alive.  
  
That didn’t make it easier though. He missed them. Missed her. And while Oliver was still alive, she wasn’t. The closest he could come to her was visiting her resting place. Which he did, on the days when he missed her the most. He would just sit next to her headstone and listen to the silence, pretending to hear one of her ramblings. After that, he would start to talk to her. He mentioned how Dig took over for Oliver, not only training and guiding him on his path as Red Arrow, but also by turning himself in to Green Arrow. He told her about active missions and about his relationship with Thea. He warned her for spoilers and talks about her favorite TV shows and movies.  
  
He would sit there and pretend that nothing has changed. That it was Felicity next to him, instead of the cold, grey tombstone.  
  
 _Felicity Queen Smoak_  
1987 - 2018  
A light in the darkness  
  
The alarm that signaled a security breach went off, preventing him for going further down that rabbit hole. He was armed within a second, his body tense from the adrenaline that kicked in. He was ready to protect the secret that was trusted to him three and a half years ago.  
  
 _Finding a certain person while they walked through a crowd wasn’t an easy task, but it was a skill that he had acquired in his search for the true identity of Arrow. Without that ability, he wouldn’t have spotted her the moment she walked out of the building amongst her colleagues. It was clever to move in such big groups, he gave her that. She was blonde, but apparently not that blonde._  
  
 _If he could trust his latest discoveries then Felicity Smoak was the missing link. He hadn’t been this close to figuring out who Arrow was since he started this quest._  
  
 _His hope was to follow her and clone her phone so that he could learn more about her. He wanted to know why the police had taken her in for questioning all those years ago. His source at the SCPD had told him that the only reason he knew about the Smoak file was because a new intern had been cleaning a filing cabinet. Hidden under all the rubble was this report, connecting one Felicity Smoak to the vigilante. It was an old investigation, made before the vigilante changed his working pattern and became Arrow more than three years ago. He realized that there was no way to know if this woman was still in contact with him, but he was willing to give it a shot. He had been chasing thinner leads than this before._  
  
 _He walked into the crowd and pointed his phone at her while starting the app. Another friend had hooked him up with this program that made an exact copy of the phone it was directed towards. When the clone was successfully completed, every text and phone call Felicity Smoak received would also appear on his phone, allowing him to listen in to the conversations._  
  
 _It took a couple of seconds but then the screen blinked and a green checkmark appeared. A victorious smile spread across his face. For now, everything seemed to go according to plan. He let the distance between them grow so that she wouldn’t notice him.  
  
It seemed like she was heading to the outskirts of The Glades. He wondered why a girl like her would go there, but then again, Thea Queen was also a regular visitor. She looked back over her shoulder before crossing the street, but he hadn’t paid enough attention and before he knew it, her eyes were looking in to his. He held his breath, afraid he was caught in the act. Seconds passed before she smiled and then winked at him. He felt himself smile back. While he had been afraid of being discovered, she had just been flirting with him. Which was understandable.  
  
She was on the move again, now crossing the street with confident strides. He made sure he kept his distance while he did the same thing. He rounded the next corner just in time to see her take a right in the next street. His phone gave a buzz, warning him that it picked up a signal. Hesitant, he raised it to his ear, not knowing what to expect.  
  
There was a silence at first, until the person on the other side picked it up. Then it was just the sound of two people breathing, acknowledging each other. Without even realizing it, Roy held his breath. It was silly, because she could just be calling her mother. Or anybody else for that matter._  
  
 _‘’I think I’m being followed.’’_  
  
 _‘’I know,’’ replied a deep, morphed voice._  
  
 _A shot of adrenaline rushed through his veins. He recognized the sound in an instant. Finally his persistence had paid off. It was Arrow she was talking to. His idol was using the voice modulator, which made him wonder if maybe even the tech support didn’t know who he was beneath his hood._  
  
 _‘’It’s the boy from the subway.’’_  
  
 _It seemed like he was misled. While he had thought that she was flirting with him, she had just used the time to take a look at him, to recognize him. He didn’t know what gave him away those moments earlier, but he assumed that if you interacted with somebody as Arrow, you would pick up a few traits._  
  
 _‘’I know,’’ the voice said again. ‘’I’m looking at him right now.’’_  
  
 _Roy glanced over his shoulder, searching for somebody who watched him but found nobody.  He rolled with his eyes. Had he really thought that he could spot him? Somebody who was used to hiding, who made being invisible seem so easy, sure as hell wouldn’t make himself visible here._  
  
 _Unsure if he should keep following the girl, he slowed down a bit. If they really were on to him, then pursuing this could get him into some serious trouble. But then again, if the hood was close by, following her seemed like his biggest chance to find out who he was._  
  
 _‘’So… we are doing the thing?’’_  
  
 _‘’Yes Felicity. Plan C starts now.’’_  
  
 _‘’Alright then. Here goes nothing.’’_  
  
 _Before he knew it, the connection was broken and the blond girl in front of him had disappeared. Fuck. It seemed that plan C meant get rid of whoever is following you. He started running, hoping she had just taken another turn, but when he was around the corner, nobody was there. He stopped, jerked his head back in the hope to catch a glimpse of Arrow that had been following him, but that road was deserted as well._  
  
 _A hand around his wrist caught him by surprise, thereby being able to force him through a door and into a dark room. Living in the glades had prepared him for things like this, so when he reacted, it was on instinct. He pulled his arm down in the direction of the thumbs, forcing the attacker to let go of him. He turned his body, pushed his open hand at the sternum of his opponent, forcing him back. He could hear the gasp for air coming from the attacker, moments before somebody grabbed him from behind and pressed him hard into a brick wall. A strong arm was placed horizontal over his throat, keeping him pinned. That was when he realized his mistake. His first ‘’attacker’’ had been female. Blonde. And an associate of Arrow._  
  
 _‘’If you ever touch her again, I will make you pay.’’_  
  
 _The words were literally growled at him and he tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. Blue eyes filled with barely restrained rage glared at him, filling up his line of sight. The intensity of the man was indescribable. They were chest to chest, Arrow breathing hard in an attempt to control his anger. It was no wonder that the crime rates had dropped since he was back in town._  
  
 _A small hand grabbed the arm that was at his throat and pulled at it._  
  
 _‘’That’s enough. You wanted this, remember? Plan C; him meeting you.’’_  
  
 _Strange enough, Felicity’s calmly spoken words seemed to help. Some of the tension eased out of him, and while he was still tense, it wasn´t as bad as it had been. The words that she had spoken amazed him. Meeting him? That was what plan C was all about? He was shocked, to say the least. He didn’t know what he had expected to happen when he found him. Something like begging for his attention probably. There was just no way that he could have imagined Arrow wanted to meet him. Not in a million years._  
  
 _He could see how she gave a soft squeeze to the arm she was still holding._  
  
 _‘’Let him go Oliver,’’ she says softly._  
  
 _Again, it seems to have an effect, because by now, Arrow was releasing him and stepping back. Immediately he rubbed his hand over his throat, glad the pressure was gone. But wait. What the fuck? Did she really just say... That was when he lifted his chin to look at his idol. There was no hood, no mask or green smear. Just Oliver Queen in his handmade three piece suit._  
  
 _‘’You’ve got to be kidding me.’’_  
  
With three bleeps, the alarm stopped, making the silence that followed seem deafening. Despite the fact that he knew what those bleeps meant, his stance didn’t relax. The fact that somebody got access didn’t immediately make it a friend. It just meant that the person standing behind that door knew the sixteen digit security code.  
  
The door of the side entrance opened and in walked Diggle. The last shadows of the night together with the dim lighting of the foundry hid him in the dark, making it hard for Roy to perceive anything. Without saying a word, Dig started walking to the training room.  
  
‘’Excuse you? Aren’t you forgetting something? Like explaining to me why you made me work my ass off by renovating our training room? Because I can’t see how training mats on the wall will benefit me in an exercise.’’  
  
He hoped Dig had a reason for his request, but he wanted to be sure. He had come across way too many surprises throughout the years. It wasn’t that he doubted Dig or his training methods, he just wondered about the logic behind it. Training mats on the wall of the room? He didn’t get it.  
  
‘’Not everything we do here is about you Harper,’’ Diggle snapped.  
  
\---  
  
The last thing he needed right now was Harper asking questions. The fact that he had been so short winded to Roy only showed him that the day was catching up to him. Even in his weirdest dreams, he couldn’t have imagined this would happen. Exhaustion had settled in his bones and he was afraid it would stay there for the next couple of weeks.  
  
‘’Wait.’’  
  
It seemed that Roy finally had noticed the still form that he was carrying over his shoulder. He had wondered how long it would take him. Choosing to ignored him, he kept walking toward the training room. Roy didn’t let it slide so easily though and walked past him, blocking the entrance. The boy’s eyes squinted to make out the shape of what he was carrying. When realization sank in, he actually paled.  
  
‘’Are you fucking kidding me? Please tell me that’s not who I think it is. You kidnapped Oliver from the institute?’’  
  
He didn’t react, just waited for the rest of the words to come. Roy could be very verbal if he felt like it. He had an idea now would be one of those times.  
  
‘’I mean, have your lost your mind? Every day I hear the same thing from you; attacked a guard, tried to cut his femoral artery, refuses to eat, choked himself. You tell me every day there is no progress. There never is any progress and now you decide to bring him here? In case you didn’t notice, there are weapons here. Very deadly weapons. ‘’  
  
He raised an eyebrow at Roy and laid his hand on his shoulder to push him aside. He didn’t know exactly when the sedative would wear off, but he was sure that he wanted Oliver in that room before it happened. Roy however, stood his ground.  
  
‘’Fuck this Diggle. He needs attention, medical care, a therapist. Not a retired soldier and a former gangbanger. You need to bring him back.’’  
  
‘’No. We can do this. Oliver needs us to do this. All the mental institution did was monitor him and as soon as he became difficult, they drugged him. Every single time that we will try to help him will be more than he got in there. We need to bring him back to civilization. His biggest chance to get there is us. So let me through.’’  
  
Reluctantly, Roy stepped aside. He walked in, Oliver still lying lifeless over his shoulder. He checked the training room, making sure that there wasn’t a mat that could be removed or a pin that he could access. Oliver had showed more than once that he could turn anything in to a weapon.  
  
When he was satisfied, he lowered Oliver’s body until he was carrying him in both of his arms and then he gently laid him down. Unknowingly, when Roy had followed his instructions, he had created this padded cell. He liked to think that it was better than the one he was previously occupying. First off, it was bigger and secondly, it was darker. For as long as he knew Oliver, he had a fondness for shadows. The only exception to that preference had been Felicity.  
  
Roy cautiously stepped into the room. He could see that the boy had some trouble looking at Oliver and he could understand why. If your idol suddenly was lying there, hurt and upset, it got to you.  
  
‘’I just don’t understand it. Why now? If you didn’t agree with the facility, why didn’t you take him sooner? What changed?’’  
  
He felt sorry for Roy, knowing that whatever he would say, no matter how he would tell him, he would be sucker punched. There just wasn’t an easy way to say it. He turned around to face him. He kept his expression open, showing some of the tiredness that pulled at him.    
  
"Felicity is alive. That's what changed.’’  
  
As he had expected, Roy immediately fell silent. He and Felicity had shared a bond, being the youngest in the team and he had seen their friendship get stronger every year. It had been easy for Felicity to talk to Roy when she was mad at Oliver, knowing that she wouldn’t accidently reveal this big secret she carried with her. Roy could tell her about how hard Oliver kept pushing him to fight better, become stronger, without getting scolded for it. Felicity had been the one who made Roy realize that there were reasons for the way Oliver acted towards him. Together, they had been capable of continuing the missions.  
  
‘’No. It’s impossible. We buried her.’’  
  
‘’We buried an empty coffin because we were told that she burned in the explosion. They were wrong. I saw her today.’’  
  
Roy opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, trying to find the words, but not knowing what to say. But John knew what he thought.  
  
‘’Don’t get your hopes up Roy. Oliver, Arrow, the team, she doesn’t remember a thing about it. The accident took some things from her that will affect her whole life. Her memories are one of those things.’’  
  
He then told him about meeting her in the facility, about the scars on her neck and that one on her cheek, about the meeting between her and Oliver that went so badly, and about the amputation of her leg. Roy seemed barely able to take it all in and he couldn’t blame him. He was still struggling with the information himself.  
  
‘’We need Oliver back with the living, instead of him wandering in his dreams and thoughts. They need each other, now more than ever. She needs him to get her memory back and he needs her to bring him back from the dark. The first step to getting there starts with Oliver. He needs to comprehend that she is alive.’’  
  
‘’And how are you planning to do that?’’

‘’I have no idea.’’  
  
There lay the problem of this situation. Now that Felicity was alive, he had hope that Oliver could come back to the land of the living too. He just hadn’t a clue how he should address it. Seeing her certainly hadn’t done the trick and he wasn’t going to try that again until he was sure that nothing would happen. He would do everything within his power to never let her get hurt again.  
  
A muffled groan came from Oliver. Immediately, he grabbed Roy and headed towards the door. If he was waking up, they needed to get out. Sure, they were two highly trained fighters, but he doubted that either of them would come out of the fight as the victor. Not Oliver, not Roy or he himself. Fighting a friend cost you.  
  
He closed and locked the door behind them, reminding himself that Oliver was safe inside. There was nothing that could psychically hurt him. He was no longer held by restraints, so the only things he needed to deal with were his own nightmares and memories. And that would be the hardest part.  
  
‘’I need you to keep an eye on him while I sort a few things out. Call Thea, make a sorry excuse about why you’re not at the mansion. I’ll be back around noon to take over.’’  
  
A loud thud came from the room behind them. He saw how Roy shot a worried glance towards the door. He could understand the concern, but knew better then to act on it. It was clear that Oliver was awake and trying out the new room to see if it had any weaknesses. He knew there was one. Roy.  
  
‘’Listen kid, you do not open that door, do you hear me? He will be screaming and it will be agonizing to hear, but you will just sit here and do nothing. Because if you open that door and he escapes… It’s just like you said. The weapons we have here are deadly and Oliver knows how to use all of them.’’  
  
\---   
  
_She was awoken by the crackling sound of the fire, and not because of the heat that went along with it. She jumped upright in her bed and looked around her. The flames hadn’t reached her room yet, but the smoke that crept under her door alerted her it wouldn’t take long. Fear gripped at her, making it hard for her to breath. Or that could be the smoke that actually tried to suffocate her._  
  
 _Her blue eyes flew back and forth between the window and the door. She didn’t know what exactly was waiting behind that door, but she was certain that the fire hadn’t reached the window yet. She scrambled her legs out from under the blanket and was next to her bed in an instant. She grabbed her backpack, wanting to put some of her belongings in it when she first heard it. Heart breaking screams for help coming from her parents’ bedroom. The backpack fell forgotten to the floor._  
  
 _‘’Mom! Dad!’’ she shrieked. The thin wall that separated them made her hear every yelp, every cry. Suddenly it wasn’t important that the window was safer, the only thing that mattered was that the door was closer to her parents. She made a run for it, but when she grabbed the door handle, the heat made her release it immediately._  
  
 _‘’Felicity, get out of the house! Now.’’_  
  
 _She stood there, looking at the wall, shaking her head no. She couldn’t leave them._  
  
 _‘’Honey, listen to your dad.’’ There was a silence in which she knew that her mother was biting back  the pain, not wanting to let her know how much it hurt. ‘’Go through the window. And remember…’’_  
  
‘’Our love is everlasting,’’ the now grown up Felicity whispered.  
  
She remembered that night. After she had climbed out of the window, she had seen no other choice but to let herself fall to the ground. The pain in her leg had been excruciating, but she had realized that she needed to get at a safe distance. So she crawled to the end of the garden and sat there, listening to their cries, watching how the flames destroyed her life.   _  
  
_With tears in her eyes see reached for her glasses and grabbed the pen and notepad. She searched the document, needed to blink a few times to get her vision right. When she found the paragraph, a single sob ran through her body _._ She had remembered something, but it made her wish she hadn’t. Remembering it caused more pain than not knowing at all.  
  
‘’Parents?’’  
  
She bit her lip, wiped away the fallen tears and put pen to paper.  
  
 _Died in a fire._  
  
The next thing she knew was her phone in her hands, dialing for John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouch, that hurt, didn't it. I'm so sorry!!


	6. All the little pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for updating so late guys!!
> 
> I want to thank you all for the lovely comments, reviews and even all the ''where is the next chapter'' things. It's so good to hear people are still interested in this story. And again, I'm so sorry for the wait. My internship is almost over, so I hope to have more writing time again in a few weeks. For now, I will let you enjoy the next chapter, that I made a bit longer for you guys in an attempt to make it up for the wait.
> 
> Thanks befitandchase for the beta, you're awesome as always! I can't do this without you!
> 
> Please let me know what you think!  
> Love,  
> TheNightSign

_Elegant fingers smoothed over his forehead, tracking every visible line. It was as if her touch went deeper than skin, stirring something buried deep inside of him. Bright blue eyes looked at him with tenderness and all he could do was stare back in complete amazement. She was everything he wasn't and he just couldn't comprehend what made her stay by his side. Why did she choose him as she could have easily have another, less complicated man, than the damaged Oliver Queen?_

_''You have that look on your face again, you know,'' she murmured._

_Her voice pulled him out of his stupor. He smiled softly at her, noticing how the morning sun touched her hair, turning it into an almost golden color. Once again, he realized that she truly resembled light and honesty, while he was dark and full of secrets. He didn't tell her that though, because she would only say she couldn't be the light if he wouldn't be the dark. According to her, they complimented each other, but he only thought about himself as an obstacle for her._

_''What look?''_

_''The one that says ‘This is a dream and as soon as I wake up, I will be all alone again.' That look.''_

_He shifted uncomfortably in the bed, tensing up by her words. She was right. He was still waiting for the moment she would change her mind and leave him. It didn't matter that he tried to tune out the doubts in his head, they always kept lingering in the background. Mocking him for his belief in this relationship, whispering to him he should know better. Reminding him nothings lasts forever. Not for him._

_Since they started looking for a house, a little place to call their home, his nightmares had changed. No, not changed, multiplied. Now not only did he dream about the five years in hell, he also had visions about Felicity. Her, walking out of his life, leaving him for a better job, a better man, a better life. And even when he wakes up from those nightmares, he can't seem to get the images out of his mind._

_As the glue to his broken pieces, Felicity's departure would cause much more than just heartbreak; his heart and soul would shatter in the aftermath._

_His fear of losing her is exactly why he can't let his worries go. He is scared, afraid that if he commits himself to her completely, take that final step, he will not be able to survive the blow that will follow if she leaves. Because somewhere deep inside, he knows she will leave him eventually._

_Somehow his thoughts must have been playing across his features or maybe she is just that good at reading him, because she sighs and drops her hand to his shoulder. She pulls herself closer, resting her head against his._

_''How many times do I need to tell you, Oliver? There is no other place where I would rather be than right here, by your side.''_

_Her lips fall to his mouth, their breath mingles before she leaves a kiss so soft, he almost doesn't catch it. The tenderness pulls at him, slips past his defenses and warms him from the inside out._

_He takes in the wonderful woman laying next to him. She is so lively and unique that he doesn't even know how to describe it. He bends his head, pressing his mouth to hers in the hopes she understands all that he can't put in words. His feelings, his fears, his hopes._

_If it was up to him, he would hold her close to his chest in order to keep her safe, but she demands to be a part of the dark life he is leading. And honestly, having her as a light to guide him home, it makes a difference. She brings a spark of life to the mission he didn't know he missed._

_He lays one hand on her cheek, thump ghosting over her cheekbone. There is so much that he owes to her and yet she demands nothing but love in return. And still, he is not giving her all he has to offer._

_Another kiss is placed at her lips and this time he licks at her bottom lip, deepening the kiss. He doesn't have to wait for a response, because she sighs into him and then her tongue is meeting his. She smells like the strawberry shampoo she washes her hair with and he can't resist playing with the blond locks._

_Smoldering embers come to life when her hands grab his neck, fingernails digging in his skin. He can't suppress the hissing sound escaping his throat. Felicity's body shivers in reaction and before he knows it, she is arching her body into his chest. The hand on her cheek never leaves its place, but the hand that was buried in her hair traces the shell of her ear, making her mewl._

_He is the one to pull back, both of his hands cradling her face. He takes in all of her, from the light blush of her skin, to her parted lips only to end by her eyes filled with sweet desire._

_''I'm not worthy of your love,'' he confesses heavily, his throat swollen from all the emotions he desperately tries to hold to himself._

_Her hands come up to cover his, soothing his heavy heart._

_''Yes you are,'' she states passionate. ''You just don't see it for yourself,'' she then continues in a softer voice. ''You deserve my love in more ways than I can ever explain to you. Somehow you keep thinking there will come a time where I will see the monster inside of you and run, but you could not be more wrong. I already saw it Oliver. I saw you.''_

_The words seem to float so easily from her lips. He wants to believe her, he really does, but there is something inside of him that doesn't let him. She notices though._

_Her hands squeeze his before she lets them go and lays them on his chest. One is covering the Bratva tattoo, the other on the scar he got from the first arrow to his shoulder. He is painfully aware of the fact she touches things that tie him to his time on the island. The place where he became a killer._

_''You expect me to hate that side of you, but how can I hate that part of your past, if it transformed you into the man you are today? This beautiful man that cares more about others than about himself. Who sacrifices so much that at times it leaves me wondering if he has any love left to give to himself. And the painful truth is; no, he doesn't.''_

''Felicity..,'' he whispers, the words echoing in the big room.

_''No, let me finish Oliver. You have this crazy idea in your head, thinking that you don't deserve love or happiness due to the mistakes you made, the wrongs you did. But you're mistaken. You deserve this, more than anyone I ever met. After all the hardship that has crossed your path, this is faith or god or whoever is up there, finally repaying you for all the good you have done for the bigger picture since you returned.''_

_Completely astounded by her passionate speech he can do nothing but stare at her. Her words resonate within him, the fire with which she speaks softening the rough edges of his soul._

_She is truly convinced he has earned this and he just can't understand why. He doesn't deserve any of it. Not her understanding or forgiveness, and definitely not her love._

_It isn't the first time this subject fills their conversations, but it is the first time she is so vocal about it. Her words hit him close to home. She seems to know everything about him. The way he thinks, feels, reacts. She knows this isn't about trust or love, because he trusts and loves her more then he will ever be able to express through words._

_She knows it's about believe. Belief that a killer can find redemption. Belief that a damaged man can be put back together. Belief that love really can conquer all._

_Her faith in him leaves him petrified. The fact that she knows... all of it, all of him and still is able to see something worthy... It only shows how deep she is embedded in his life._

_''Nothing you will say or do is going to make me love you less, Oliver. I know you're afraid, but please, stop holding back. I promise you, I will stay.''_

_He feels the heat spreading through his body, taking over the cold grip of fear that was rapped around his heart just moments ago. She lays her head on his chest and immediately, he brings one hand up to bury in her hair, while his other hands lays on the small of her back, holding her close to his side._

_He can't help but wonder if there will come a day where he finds the strength to believe for himself that this will last. Still, he knows that until that day comes, he can believe her._

_She sighs into him, arms wrapping around his body, head resting just under his chin. A low exhale relieves the tension in his body. He can feel how his control is slipping away and for once in his life, he allows it. Tears he thought he couldn't share well up in his eyes._

_Felicity truly is remarkable. She has easily climbed the walls he built around himself, slipping inside and changing him with every nudge she has given him until they finally crumble down. It's the knowledge that she truly loves him, that he can't scare her away, that makes him give up the last of his restraints._

_''I will always stay,'' she whispers._

_The tears fall down his cheek, disappearing in her golden hair. He has waited so long to find somebody like her. Somebody who could love him unconditionally, who could be his anchor in this storm he calls his life. He only just realizes he has that somebody right here, safe in his arms._

He wanted to bring her even closer to his chest, not planning on letting her go anytime soon, but his arms found nothing but cold air. The weight of her body pressed into his side was gone, there were no soft locks of hair tickling his skin.

Alarmed by the absences of warmth next to him, his eyes flew open. His head quickly turned to the right, where she usually lay beside him. The air got knocked out of his lungs when he saw nobody there.

A cold fist of fear gripped his heart, squeezing it until he was unable to move. He tried to reason with the anxiety, arguing with himself that maybe she was just in the kitchen, getting a glass of water. If he could still smell her shampoo, still taste the kisses they shared, then she couldn't be that far away, could she?

But no amount of reasoning or self control could subdue the panic that had already flared up inside of him.

''Felicity!''

No response. The lack of answer colored his judgment, making him worry even more, but he couldn't do anything to stop it. In a flash of movement he hauled his body upright, pain flaring through his neck by the action, but already pushed to the background. His gaze searched the room for any sign of her presence.

''Felicity!'' he roared again, but her name echoed off the walls without anybody acknowledging them. It was then that realization slowly crept upon him. He wasn't in their bed, their room, or even their house.   
  
There was nothing except darkness, keeping him imprisoned.

''Please,'' he begged to the empty room, his voice rough.  
  
Silence.

''Felicity...''

His voice was nothing but a mere whisper now, an exhale of breath while he felt the pain ebb back into his body. Tears escaped him. He had trusted her, loved her with all his being, but now all of that didn't matter anymore.

She was gone, ripped away into the night by a cold blade, held by a shaking hand.

His hand.  
  
\---

Every day he had seen how his former protégée was dying from the inside out. Each time he came to visit him or needed to ''care'' for him, he had searched for that familiar spark of life in his eyes, only to find it in the moments where he seized an opportunity and tried to die on the outside to.

He had been looking for a better solution to help of Oliver for the last few weeks. It just didn't sit right with him they kept using tranquilizers or even Tasers in a failing attempt to keep him under control. Yes, it may have been necessary with all the self inflicted wounds, but it wasn't his idea of caring for somebody. Still, he hadn't had a reason to suspect that another facility would treat him any different.  
The fact that Felicity came back though, that changed everything. It gave him hope that maybe, in some miraculous way, they would be able to heal each other. He didn't know how, but he did know that limited visiting hours and isolation weren't going to help. So he decided to break Oliver out. It wouldn't be the first felony he committed for his friend. Donning the green hood every night to let the people believe Green Arrow was still out there did that already.

In order to bring Felicity and Oliver back together, he needed to find some place safe where Oliver could be monitored. Where people who knew every dangerous side of him could try to help him get through his pain. Make him see that all was not lost. That Felicity was still alive.

He had come to a very simple conclusion. Verdant.

Now here he was, checking the video feed of the institution to see if the video loop he learned from Felicity years ago had worked. If the old her was here, she would have remarked on how he could have doubted her technique in the first place. The thought made a smile play over his face, relieved of the grief he had gone through for those four months.

Roy, who still hadn't be able to comprehend everything that he had said to him, had sunk down in a chair. John was sure that it wasn't the fact that he didn't want to believe him, but that it just seemed impossible until he saw it with his own eyes. And as much as he wanted to give the kid a chance to see her, there were things of higher importance right now.

A loud roar came from the newly formed patted call, letting him know that the half sedated Oliver he had left there was now fully awake. He turned to look to Roy, who had jumped up from the sound. If you were hearing the heart wrenching screams for the first time, they could be pretty hard to bear.

Hell, who was he kidding? He found it hard to listen to them too, even after all this time.

''You're sure there isn't anything we can do for him?'' Roy asked with dread in his voice.

''Not right now. He's disorientated from the sedative, lost because he won't recognize the room he's being kept in. We don't open that door, not under any circumstance, you hear me, Harper. You can't forget Oliver isn't good company now. Without Felicity, he isn't the hero of Starling City. He is a dangerous murderer with a new mission; end his own suffering.''

**\---**

Diggle stood up from his place behind the laptop and walked towards him. A heavy hand landed on his shoulder, giving it a solid pat. He could appreciate the attempt to give him some comfort, but it didn't really ease his mind. There was just too much that had happened.

He was afraid to believe Diggle and what he said about Felicity. He didn't want to think they could have her back, only to let her get ripped out of their lives once again. There was still a chance she was just a copy-cat. A sick, twisted woman who looked just like her. And even if she was alive, he didn't know if that fate was any better for her. To be lost and scarred, broken with nobody to help you, it was cruel.  
  
He remembered Oliver had been all alone too when he first came back from the island. A fractured shell of the boy he once was. Maybe that was the price you paid in order to get a second chance at life. It was another thing Felicity and Oliver shared now, even if they didn't know it yet.

He stood there, listening to the noise coming from Oliver's holding cell. The cries of agony made him feel sick, but it was the pleading ''Felicity'' that really worked on his nerves. He wanted to walk away, not to be able to hear any more, but he knew that he owed it to Oliver to stay here, to watch him. Keep him safe, even if this ''safe'' was a twisted version of the true meaning of the word. You didn't keep a friend safe by locking him up in a dark, cold room.

It was then that Diggle decided to leave, once again telling him he would be back around noon to relieve him from his ''watching'' duty. Reminding him he needed to call Thea so that she wouldn't get suspicious. Reminding him to not open that door. He knew that the man had good intentions and that he was concerned about both his health as well as Oliver’s, but it came across as if Diggle didn't trust him enough with the tasks he had given him. He wasn't stupid, he had gotten the message the first time around. Don't let Oliver escape, or everything would end in disaster.

He grabbed his phone from the desk where it had been laying. The few meters it separated him from Oliver’s holding cell weren’t enough to silence the noise he created. If he was going to call Thea, he needed to make sure she didn’t hear anything. He didn’t know if she would recognize Olivers cries of agony, but he risk was too big to take.

So he walked through a small corridor, separating himself from Oliver. Sometimes he got sick and tired of lying to Thea, but with the life he led, there weren't any other solutions.

Still, the fact that he couldn't tell her that her sister-in-law was alive bothered him more than he was able to express. It wasn't just another subject that he could add to the list of things he kept from her. This was a whole new lie unto itself. If she knew Felicity was alive, it could relieve her from her grief, from all the pain and sorrow. But she couldn't know, because of the all the questions it would raise. Questions he wouldn't be able to answer.

**\---**

She listened to the dial tone once, twice, before she panicked and ended the call. A sob ran through her body, but she ignored it, stared at the phone instead. How could she burden somebody else with her troubles? Beside, what did she really know about John Diggle? That he was once her friend, that she once had trusted him? Or was that just what she made him to be?

The truth was she knew just as much about him as she did about herself, which was absolutely nothing. She didn't know if their friendship had been the kind of bond where you could call the other in the early hours of the morning. It could be that they just had a superficial thing going on and that calling him now would overstep the boundaries of their old relationship. So she lay the phone back on her nightstand, deciding that since she had been alone in this from the beginning, she could handle this memory on her own just as well. Even if this memory made her wish she had never remembered it at all.

The pain it brought her still seeped through her body. It was easy to imagine that the young Felicity had a hard time dealing with the death of her parents the first time around, but now she had to mourn them all over again. The knowledge that she had sat there, watching as her family burned and then reliving it again... It was a heavy burden to carry, a weight on her shoulders that tried to push her down.

She was scared that the rest of her life, the rest of her memories would be just the same. That it would be filled with things she thought she wanted to know, until she did know them. That every time she remembered something, it would cause more pain than not knowing at all.

Rage welled up inside her. Could this be what was waiting for her for the next few years? Being lost, trying to find pieces to a puzzle that would never be whole again? Asking herself the same stupid question day in, day out, without ever getting closer to an answer? She didn't want that.

A silent cry escaped her mouth. It didn't matter what she wanted, she had no other choice than to just go on with this cruel life.

The anger disappeared by the revelation that maybe she had earned it. Maybe she had done something so terrible in her life before the accident that this was just karma, paying her back. She didn't want to believe she was evil enough to deserve a fate like this, but she couldn't be sure of anything anymore.

Wanting to escape the memories that were spinning in her head, she pushed her hands over her ears, but she didn't get any respite from them. Instead, they only seemed to intensify.

She could feel them again, the strong hands of her husband, pressing against her windpipe. Her hands clawed at her neck to try and remove his fingers.

It was like all she remembered about herself until this point came rushing back to her. She refused to let herself get defeated by that though. She wasn't a victim, she was a survivor. And everything she was going through right now was nothing more but a figment of her imagination.

She pushed herself up, letting her legs fall over the side of the bed before getting the prosthetic. Her breathing was shallow, fingers shaking, but she pushed through it, strapping the socket to the limb with help from the suspension system.

Her need to get away from this place consumed her. She tried to get dressed as quickly as is possible, which due to her handicap, wasn't as fast as she had wished. Still she succeeded in keeping it under ten minutes, which was actually kind of a record for her.

In a flash of brightness, she grabbed her phone from where it had been laying before she took hold of the door handle and pushed it down. She half walked, half ran through the corridors of the Starling City Plaza Hotel, leaving everything around her in a blur. She wasn't aware of the fact she was outside until she felt the cold wind on her face.

The rough fingers around her throat seemed to loosen their choke hold. With every shaking breath she took, she could feel the stress dissolving. The oxygen burned in her lunges, but it was a feeling she was happy to endure. It meant she was okay.

Carefully, she started to make her way downtown. Sleep wasn't going to come anytime soon and they last thing she wanted to do right now was go back to that suffocating room. Given the fact that it was already 4.30 AM, the sun would rise in little more over an hour anyway. One hour and twenty-three minutes to be exact.

She raised an eyebrow at herself. Another thing to add to the list; apparently she knew about the sunrise and sunset here in Starling city.

It was impossible not to wonder about the woman she was before the accident. There had been sudden things she just ''happen to know'' that really piqued her interest. Because why would a simple IT specialist know about medical jargon or facial expressions for that matter? What kind of life had she been leading that required those kinds of talents?

Again, it felt like she was trying to fit this puzzle together with too few pieces to begin with or maybe even the wrong ones. This time however, she kept the panic at bay my focusing on the sounds of the city around her.

Her feet – or her foot and prosthetic, to be more precise – carried her over deserted streets and intersections. She let her unconsciousness decide if she went left or right, not bothering to see where she would end up. It felt good just to be outside and she wanted it to last for as long as possible.

She turned to her right, not wanting to walk through the alleyway before her, only to find her way blocked by a dark silhouette. Her heart rate went up, but without hesitation she turned back in the direction she came from. Six steps, that was how far she went before she saw the second silhouette on the street where she just walked.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she registered the height and build of the bodies, defining them both as male. She also noted that this was a premeditated crime. It was easy to tell from the way they cut off her escape route so she could only avoid them by going into the dark alley. There was a big fat chance there would be a third attacker waiting for her.

She froze on the middle of the sidewalk, knowing that if she walked into that alley, her fate would be sealed.

**\---**

Three months, that was how long it had taken her to realize she needed to leave Seattle and go back to Starling City. Crime rates started to rise again and she knew why. Although Diggle tried to fill the void Oliver had left as best as he could, he wasn't the same hero as the real Green Arrow had been. In fact, it was the lack of whole Team Arrow that made the streets unsafe again. Without all of them on the mission, there was no true protection for the people of the city. And the women were left to suffer at the hands of men, once again. The Black Canary couldn't let that happen.

Her decision to come back only proved to be right when her eyes caught movement below her on the streets. The rooftop where she was perched gave her a perfect view of the layout of the streets below her. The tree figures and their positions on the pavement told her all she needed to know. It was a trap.

She jumped from the rooftop to the fire escape and from the fire escape to the ledge of a window. She wanted to be close-by just in case she was needed, but still a safe distance away from the attackers so they wouldn't see her. Only it didn't seem like this woman needed protection. Where everybody else would be heading to the alley, in hopes to find a way to escape the threatening men, the woman didn't do that. Instead she ran towards the man on her left, surprising him. He hadn't expected her to have the courage to try and escape them.

A small smile curled Sara's lips upwards. Clearly this woman had understood that defeat would wait for her in the alley, where the men could attack her together. So instead, she caught the attackers off guard by trying to get past one of him.

The man recovered quickly, grabbing the womans' wrist and pulling her towards him. It was reason enough for Sara to lower herself to the ground, bow staff already in hand. Before she could do anything though, the man was on the ground, the hard impact leaving him unconscious. The blond woman had thrown her elbow in, crouched down to get under the man's center of gravity and had continued with throwing him over her shoulder like he was a sack of flour. It was admirable, to say the least.

A third attacker made his presence known by stepping out of the alley the attackers had wanted to lure the woman in, not looking pleased with the recent developments. The woman saw them coming and made a run for it. Unfortunately, it seemed that speed wasn't her erea of expertise, as the men started to gain on her.

This time, Sara didn't hesitate. She slipped out of the shadows and rushed towards both of the men. Approaching them from the back, they didn't even see her coming until it was too late. The staff hit the knee of the right man, using the joints natural movement against him in order to send him to the ground. She pivoted on her heel, using the half-turn to add momentum to her next blow for the other attacker. She aimed for the thoracic vertebrae, but the man ducked, thereby signing his own dead certificate. The end of the bow staff made contact with his cervical vertebrae instead, the force of it snapping his neck.

There was no time to think about the new man she just added to her long and ever growing list of dead bodies. Instead, she turned back to the man she had forced to his knees, who was now trying to get back up again, wanting to pursue the fleeing woman.   
  
He looked up at her masked face with fear in his eyes, clearly knowing who he was up against. The reputation of Black Canary was clearly something the criminals in this town hadn't forgotten yet. With a blow to his temple, the man was knocked out cold.

She looked up just in time to see the woman turn the corner of the street, her short, blond hair the only thing she had registered of her.


End file.
